ぴったり合う

わたしの気持ちに

was going to highlight some of the lines that especially captured my emotions - just to realize the whole song has written it all.

the style, the melody and just about everything about this song is awesome too.



生きてゆく力が　その手にあるうちは
笑わせてて　いつも　いつも
うたっていて　欲しいよ

きっとこの恋は　口に出すこともなく
伝わることもなく　叶うこともなくて
終わることもないでしょう
ただ小さい小さい光になって
あたしのこの胸の温度は下がらないでしょう

欲を言えばキリがないので
望みは言わないけれど
きっと今のあたしには　あなた以上はいないでしょう

※生きてゆく力が　その手にあるうちは
笑わせてて　いつも　いつも
側にいて　欲しいよ※

きっとあなたには　急に恋しくなったり
焼きもちを焼いたり　愛をたくさんくれて
愛をあげたい人がいるから
ただ小さい小さい光のような
私の恋心には気づかないでしょう

でもそんなあなただからこそ
輝いて見えるのだから
きっと今のあたしには　あなた以上はいないでしょう

教えてください神様
あの人は何を見てる?
何を考え　誰を愛し
誰のために傷付くの?

As long as you hold the strength to live in your hands
Be there always, always to make me smile
I want you to keep on singing
I’m sure that I’ll never speak about this love of mine
It will never be confessed or ever come true
I know it will never end either
It’ll just become a tiny, tiny ray of light
The temperature of my heart will never cool down
There’s no end to what I want
So I won’t say what I wish for
But for me now, there’s no one else but you
*As long as you hold the strength to live in your hands
Be there always, always to make me smile
I want you to stay with me
I’m sure that you have someone who you suddenly need to see
Who you get jealous over and who gives you all her love
Someone who you want to give your love to
So you’ll probably never even notice
My love for you which is just a tiny, tiny ray of light
But that’s the very reason
Why you shine in my eyes
So for me now, there can’t be anyone else but you
Please god, tell me
What does he see?
What does he think?  Who does he love?
For whom does he wound his heart?
(Repeat*)
La la la…..

漸入佳境

凌晨12時。一天裡我最清醒的時分。

稍稍清理腦袋內尚未化作記憶的知識，騰空了位置去反思這兩個半月的生活。人家說初到異地的興奮會抵埗月後磨蝕，外來者在這段時期開始對生活上的諸多不便感到煩厭，寂寞與無助感亦逐漸滋生。這是所謂的「談判期」，初來報到的要與陌生環境妥協，過份堅持自己的步伐與習慣只會讓矛盾更加尖銳。過了談判期便來到真正的調整適應期，生活開始「正常化」，顧慮的東西由短期的，生活上必須考慮的事情升格至較長期，更深層的期望例如對將來的展望。

我不知道我是否跳過了談判期還是我的蜜月期廷長了，我發覺自己愈來愈喜歡亦滿足於現在的生活模式。每天有需要處理的事但可以按自己的時間表作息，在學校裡可作有思想衝擊的交流，見識增長了意見亦被聆聽尊重。住的部屋雖不大但清潔舒適。日文程度還不夠生活需要，但急不來而且也不是不懂日文就生活不了。獎學金定時傳入户口，有節制的使用的話金錢上亦暫時沒有擔心的必要。人際網絡比剛來的時候擴展了不少，當然要找到如在大學時期般交心的朋友不容易，但投契的，談得兩嘴的還是有的。在學的我不像以前上班時般自我封閉，那種職場上特有的交流﹣在酒吧上摸著酒杯底漫不經心的胡吹亂謅對我而言實在十分吃力，害得當時的我還懷疑自己的社交能力真的出了問題，現在想來大概只是不對嘴型吧。對我來說，生活上所有重要的元素現在的生活都滿足了，進步的空間當然有，但當然不可同時苛求奢華的物質生活和豐盛的精神狀態。現在的幸福感應該同時功勞於日本社會文化予我的認同和脫離工作的枯燥呆板後被刺激活化的腦筋。

god knows what will happen in 2 years，但這一刻，我只是想好好享受這裡清新的空氣。

気持ちを伝えられなくてつらいです

K2,

I've been staring at the same paragraph for the last hour but nothing comes through my brain. The next thing I knew I was checking sidestep.com for a plane ticket to San Francisco. You came and left like a tornado, shattering my usual cool. After you took off, it has occurred to me that your mere presence resembles some kind of powerful shockwaves that always leaves me unsettled for days, but I must say that my uneasiness also stems from the realization that such meetings would not happen again soon and not without difficulty.  How I wish I was able to spell out everything that was on my mind for you. Even as I am writing this, I struggle with my word choice so the passage does not appear overly explicit, nor is it so vague that you won't know I am talking about you. You made an effort to meet me. Two times in three days. I certainly hope it is not my wishful thinking that you might feel the same way about me as I am to you. I like to think that we are both playing pretend, given the huge external difficulties we would have to overcome otherwise if the mutual feelings are acknowledged. Yes, I am some years younger and we may be couple hours apart. What puzzles me, however, is that people tend to magnify on differences and dismiss the chemistry as mere sparks, which leaves as easily as they come. Risk-averse. I must confess that I am one of those skeptical people but the emotions within me has ballooned into something so disruptive that I have to confide it to you. That's why I am here.

O.

Related Music:

My 2 yen: the road ahead for Japan

This is actually my submission to the Economist essay competition:

Please select and discuss one of the following statements.

1. Because living standards are so high, Japan's economy no longer needs to grow

Walking on the streets in downtown Ginza, one can hardly find traits of an economy that has suffered from two decades of economic stagnation.Long lines await outside exquisite sushi restaurants and high-end department stores attract big crowds like always. Yet, talking to college graduates who are about to enter the workforce paints a different picture of the Japanese economy. Graduates’ employment rate hits record-low this year with only 57% have secured employment. More unsettling is perhaps the popularity of terms such as “NEET” (Not in Education, Employment or Training) and “Freeter” (Young people who take low skilled and low paid jobs), which has not only suggested the bleak employment scene but other related social issues.

The argument that Japan’s economy needs not to grow anymore due to the high living standard it has attained should be contested in different ways. In Japan’s high growth era, the fruits of astonishing economic development was shared by the population with an extraordinary degree of equality. In contrast, the last two decades of almost zero growth has left the Japanese society diverging into two polars with a growing portion of low-income population and a group of highly skilled or specialized workers flying above the rest. Growth has always been the magic word in the Japanese model to bring about a general, across-the-broad raise in living standard. However, the growth-oriented strategy is handicapped by the decling workforce in today's Japan. With the population expected to shrink to just 100 millions by 2050, unless Japan’s productivity rises faster than its workforce declines, the Japanese economy is bound to shrink. Japan’s young will suffer the most in this trend with diminishing economic opportunities and a huge burden to support the pensions of the retired. The question then becomes, how can Japan maintain and potentially lift the average living standard that is already decaying with a smaller economy? I would argue that as an extremely developed country, there is no reason for Japan to chase after organic growth if it has come to see the limit of its resources. Rather than trying to boost the overall GDP, GDP per capita at purchasing power parity should be emphasized to maintain and improve the living standard of the future generations.

The seemingly high living standard in Japan, as measured by average income, is marred by the high cost of living. With the agriculture industry closely guarded by the politically powerful interest groups, consumers are forced to pay a high premium for the local grown products while being limited to a meagre selection. Japanese policy making has traditionally focused on the benefits of producers rather than that of the consumers. What is good for Toyota, the old saying goes, is good for Japan. Average disposable income of Japanese citizens, a more direct indicator of how wealthy consumers perceive themselves, was only ⅔ of that of United States in 2005[1]. Moreover, the still relatively high nominal income is a result of substantial economic development in the 60s and 70s but income has not risen in real terms the last two decades.

To increase the GDP per capita at purchasing power parity and thereby raise the living standard, the government can work on lowering the cost of living and thereby makes its citizens feel wealthier, or to increase the nominal income following the long-term growth trajectory. Japanese government has hitherto adopted the latter. Numerous fiscal stimulus packages have been rolled out to fill in the gap left by the retreat of private investment. Yet, the result was far from promising. Public debt soared to an alarming level and sent the public mood to south. Fiscal expansion readily funded by savings of the older generations is unsustainable, and the economy needs investment from the private sector to engine growth. Investment from the private sector, however, is endogenous to growth. The Japanese population alone is no longer big enough to support perpetual growth, and local businesses including the agricultural sector should reorient themselves and look outside of the borders for growth opportunities, particularly in the emerging Asian markets. What Japan also needs is innovations. Most Japanese innovations till now have been developed in large electronic and manufacturing corporations, which is one reason why Japan has been lagging its western counterparts in the software, Internet and other value-added service industry. To facilitate a higher GDP per capita, Japan needs entrepreneurs and start-up companies to open unexplored market.

The irony of Japanese economy is that its strong social and industrial foundation has been working to its disadvantage in an era of globalization. Globalization is a two-blade sword and Japanese economy has been hurt from it so far. Large corporations face intensified competitions and are struggling to keep their cost low, resulting in sluggish income growth and lackluster hiring activities domestically. On the other hand, the semi-closed nature of Japanese market makes it difficult to bring in cheaper and potentially better alternatives from overseas. As a result, both producers and consumers are hurt in the tide of globalization. Some argue that Japan's markets are fairly open. Aside from agricultural goods, the tariff rates are about the same as those of other industrial countries and there are only few import quotas established. But this is only on paper. It is no secret that foreign companies find it extremely hard to penetrate into the Japanese market. Statistics also shows that Japan spends less than half as much as of its income on imports of manufactured goods as any advanced nation[2]. Caught in the middle of globalization and a declining workforce, Japan should further deepen its trade dependence on both exports and imports to utilize its human resources more efficiently.

Japan’s economic strength will recede, but that does not translate to a decline in living standard. Small countries like Luxembourg and Switzerland manage to prosper by achieving a high GDP per capita. Japan will have to go through some soul searching to adopt to this unfamiliar position in the world but it simply cannot afford another rudderless decade. 

另一個我

 

日式邊爐：邊爐後，加飯和蛋，拌勻至糊狀務求把飯將湯的精華都吸收。but in the end, 邊爐還是邊爐

適應環境是不是就是將自己改造，去迎合因環境改變而對自身期望及認知改變的過程？我意識到在日本的我不是在美國的我，也不是在香港的我。變化之大有時自己也令自己驚訝。如果不同的環境，情況都會帶出一個不同的「我」，哪，甚麼時候的我才是「真」的我？是不是其實所謂的「自我」不過是一個相對性的設定（relative setting)而沒有絕對的定義(absolute definition)？

說得懶學術，但其實意思很簡單。在日本，人人都以為我說的英文很地道，而因為我知道別人這種預期設想，所以說起英語時好像比在美國時更自信，能暢所欲言談笑風生。從另一個角度看，這是一個他們給我的英語認受證，有了它，就算有詞不達意的時候，我也可肆無忌憚地認可自己的語句。換轉是在美國，當然沒有這樣容易蒙混過關。的而且確因為日子有功我說的英語已經很生活化，但潛意識裡因為認定自己的母語不是英語，當別人稍為不明白的時候，便會立即以為是自己的問題而失去信心，所以一開始說起上來便要更小心翼翼未能說得痛快。

當然，這個英語的例子可引伸至生活裡其他的習慣。以前在美國人為主的聚會我都話很少，但昨夜出席日本人為多數的火窩聚會我竟然沒有感到一絲格格不入的不安，友人都很體諒我的爛日語而盡量遷就說英語, 很奇怪地到中段話說得最多，情緒最高漲的那個竟然是我。這個「我」當然不是那個在美國人聚會不自然的「我」，但亦不完全是自然流露沒有計算的「我」。那是因為我知道日本友人會對我很寬容而稍為放肆的我。美國人一般來說都比日本人來得開放，但在美國我明白自己不是一個完全的美國人，因而找不到自己的定位所以沒法好好自處，在日本我卻能利用日本人對美國人的觀感去令自己覺得輕鬆。

說到底，我還是說不出甚麼時候才是真實的我。但或許，正是這種對自己的不確定性令我能夠快速適應不同環境。

稻香

I always come back to this song whenever I feel like I've lost sight of what I am doing.



對這個世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢繼續往前走
為什麼人要這麼的脆弱 墮落
請你打開電視看看
多少人為生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我們是不是該知足
珍惜一切 就算沒有擁有

還記得你說家是唯一的城堡 隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
微微笑 小時候的夢我知道
不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑 鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

不要這麼容易就想放棄 就像我說的
追不到的夢想 換個夢不就得了
為自己的人生鮮豔上色 先把愛塗上喜歡的顏色
笑一個吧 功成名就不是目的
讓自己快樂快樂這才叫做意義
童年的紙飛機 現在終于飛回我手裡
所謂的那快樂 赤腳在田裡追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂給叮到怕了 誰在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著風唱著歌睡著了
哦 哦 午後吉它在蟲鳴中更清脆
哦 哦 陽光灑在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切 就算沒有擁有

還記得你說家是唯一的城堡 隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
微微笑 小時候的夢我知道
不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑 鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

因為我是美國人

美國人的身份是我的良心疪護所。

我慶幸自己可以不用感到羞愧地，用美國人的身份去批責這個自稱泱泱大國，卻容不了一個父親替兒子開聲的政權。

因為我是美國人，我不用對中國法庭良知的埋沒而感到痛心，慚愧或羞恥。
因為我是美國人，我不用對中國人民的沉默無聲而感到寂寞。
因為我是美國人，我不用扭曲是非黑白去正當化不公義的事情。
因為我是美國人，我不用對普世價值的定義爭辯不休。
因為我是美國人，我不用從經濟發展和維護人身基本尊嚴裡二選一。

昨夜出席了一個題為「中國抬頭」的講座，席間身為賓夕凡尼亞大學的教授主講談到現時中國就像一只在公路上高速行走的巴士，沒有人知道它的終點在哪，而巴士上的司機只能專注於讓巴士繼續行走，就像電影生死時速裡，巴士的速度稍為放慢就會引爆。他說道在愈來愈多磨擦的中國社會，政治改革是唯一的出路，並引用了前蘇聯於91年崩潰的例子。教育普及化是個很重要的前題，蘇聯的高中畢業率由50年代的30﹪升到70年代的70﹪，當人的教育程度愈高，思考的東西就愈不受規範。這世上沒有一個只會思考火箭技術的火箭專家或只會想宇宙星系的天文學家。此外，收音機的普及令蘇聯人民能夠接收到外國電波，這亦是令Gorbachev意識到不能繼續維持極權統治的原因之一。今日的中國每年都有過萬的學生出國留學，4億的互聯網用户亦令知訊流動得更快更廣。這是一個沒有辦法逆轉的洪流，只有先知先覺的推行民主改革才不致被大水覆蓋。

我希望這不是自我期許的設想。

Openly closed: Japan's resistance against foreign tide

Mixi: the Japanese version of Facebook

In an era of rapid globalization, it is somewhat shocking to note the exclusive nature of the Japanese economy, and to a larger extent, the Japanese society as a whole. The other day I was talking to a local and I asked her if she has a facebook account, she fawned and asked "What is Facebook?" I am trying my best not to sound like a presumptuous American who thinks everyone around the world should adopt to the American standard but FB by now has achieved an almost ubiquitous popularity around the globe. The local is in her 20s, university-educated, and is working for a large Japanese corporation in Tokyo. If anyone in the population knows/uses FB, she should be in that group. I was quite taken aback. This is Japan, not North Korea after all.  Take another example - On TV, there are quite a few number of shows on sightseeing and with almost no exception, it is a domestic destination featuring the same formula over and over again: breathtaking scenery in some remote area of Japan, onsen, and exquisite food. It was interesting to watch in the beginning but afterwards, I got bored by the “おいしいいい〜”,　“うっまい” exclaimed by the hosts when they send the food to their mouth.

Nitori: the Japanese version of IKEA

On paper, Japan's markets are fairly open. Aside from agricultural goods, the tariff rates are about the same as those of other industrial countries and there are only few import quotas established. However, the truth is also that Japan spends less than half as much as of its income on imports of manufactured goods as any advanced nation. It is no secret that foreign companies find it extremely hard, if not impossible to penetrate to the Japanese market even though they might be able to offer a cheaper, better alternative. For all foreign companies which otherwise do very well in the rest of the world, there is a Japanese shadow version that counteracts this foreign influence.  Mixi vs Facebook, MOS burger vs McDonalds, Nitori vs IKEA, Raketen vs Amazon.co... and the list goes on. According to a paper written by Paul Krugman, the limit of Japanese import is severely restricted by the web of implicit business relations guaranteed among firms. Using Krugman's words, "Japan hands point to the interlocking structure of ownership within Japan; to the long-term relationships between suppliers, distributors, and banks; to an economy that resembles an elaborate old boys' network more than the free-wheeling markets of America". My professor further pointed out that foreign companies are reluctant to invest in Japan because rules are not clearly spelled out and they feel that they are not playing by the same rules as their Japanese counterparts.

Rakuten: the Japanese version of Amazon.com

Unlike China, there is no central planning of the economy by the government and yet, the local economy is able to fend off most foreign competitions. In addition to the reasons on the supply side of the equation mentioned above, the demand side also paints an unwelcoming picture for the potential foreign investors.

Japanese products are known for their quality and their "優しさ” (customer-oriented) and the Japanese citizens are very well-awared of that. Japanese's pride in their craftsmanship (職人精神) and their utmost focus on details is reflected directly on the design of products and services. The view that the Japanese made products are better and therefore worth more extends beyond manufactured goods to just about everything that is Japanese-managed or owned. People are more comfortable with Japanese made products not because they are tailored to Japanese only, but also because the Japanese interface alone provides comfort to the users, who seem to naturally repel foreign looking goods and deem them subpar. How much of this biased-ness against foreign goods can be corrected by competitive pricing is unknown but foreign companies wishing to enter the Japanese market should probably put in some serious marketing efforts. What Japanese consumers are happy to buy are products that are made 'from heart' and are made to 'touch peoples' heart'.

Good songs never expire

The melody alone warms your heart.

Southern All Stars - Tsunami



風に戸惑う弱気な僕
通りすがるあの日の影
本当は見た目以上
涙もろい過去がある

止めど流る清か水よ
消せど燃ゆる魔性の火よ
あんなに好きな人に
出逢う夏は二度とない

人は誰も愛求めて　闇に彷徨う定め
そして風まかせ　Oh, My destiny
涙枯れるまで

見つめ合うと素直にお喋り出来ない
津波のような侘しさに
I know　怯えてる　Hoo
めぐり逢えた時から魔法が解けない
鏡のような夢の中で
思い出はいつの日も雨

夢が終わり目醒める時
深い闇に夜明けが来る
本当は見た目以上
打たれ強い僕がいる

泣き出しそうな空眺めて　波に漂うカモメ
きっと世は情け　Oh, Sweet memory
旅立ちを胸に

人は涙見せずに大人になれない
ガラスのような恋だとは
I know　気付いてる　Hoo
身も心も愛しい人しか見えない
張り裂けそうな胸の奥で
悲しみに耐えるのはなぜ？

見つめ合うと素直にお喋り出来ない
津波のような侘しさに
I knowï　怯えてる　Hoo
めぐり逢えた時から死ぬまで好きと言って
鏡のような夢の中で
微笑みをくれたのは誰？

好きなのに泣いたのはなぜ？
思い出はいつの日も...雨

I am timid, and lost in the wind
The shadow of that day passes me by
The truth is, I have a past of easily crying
More than it would appear

Fresh water, flowing without stopping
A devilish fire that burns without disappearing
There won't be a summer again
Where I'll meet a girl that I love that much

Everyone searches for love, destined to wander in the darkness
So I trust myself to the wind, oh, my destiny
Until my tears dry up

When we gaze at one another, I can't talk to you naturally
Loneliness like a tidal wave
I know...I'm afraid of it, hoo
From the time we met, the magic hasn't gone away
In a dream like a mirror
My memories are rain everyday

When the dream is over, and I wake up
The dawn comes in the thick darkness
The truth is, I'm more tough
Than I would appear

Gazing at the sky that seems about start crying, seagulls float above the waves
This world is certainly pathetic, oh, sweet memory
Journeys in my heart

A person can't grow up without showing his tears
A love like glass
I know...I notice it, hoo
My body and heart can only see the girl that I love
Inside my heart that seems about to break
How do I endure this sadness?

When we gaze at one another, I can't talk to you naturally
Loneliness like a tidal wave
I know...I'm afraid of it, hoo
From the time we meet, until I die, say that you love me
In a dream like a mirror
Who is it that smiled at me?

Why do I cry, even though I love you?
My memories are rain everyday

"I wished 2 things..."

"The first one is to do better of what I did"

"...The second one is to do worse of what I did"

so the line goes like this in "This is how you will disappear", the first theater play I attended in Japan which coincidentally was on the Culture Day (文化の日）. It was also one of the performing art series in the Tokyo Festival. The line was sang by a young promising athlete who was threatened by her trainer - he would kill her, and he meant it if she was not perfect. When she sang those lines, she was going though the inevitable stage of self-doubts and insecurities while muddling through the road towards stardom. The journey was long and lonely and you could never quite figure out how far you are from the end point, if there is one. 

If we were better of what we did, we could be spared from the doubts we cast on ourselves and reassured ourselves the road that we have picked.

If we were worse of what we did, we could make peace with ourselves by just giving up and move on to something else.

The line hits me particularly hard as I am paving my way towards my desired future. (I have refrained from saying that it is my dream) I am not sure if I am talented enough to do what I have aspired for myself, nor am I sure if I can convince others that I am qualified. The paradox here is how to make others believe when are in awe yourself.

--------

booklet given in the play - just shows how far Tokyo ahead of HK in fostering culture activities

I am an amateur in theater but few comments about the play as a whole: The meaning of the story was hard to grasp but the production was no doubt top-notched. The lighting, the sound and fog effects were at their best even though it was played in a rather small theater with only 3 actors. The artistic quality of the play has exceeded by large margins the plays I have seen in Hong Kong. As a public policy student, the question then always comes back to, why Hong Kong has failed to produced a world-class theater play and attracted renowned international theater companies to play in Hong Kong? Simply emphasizing Hong Kong residents' indifference towards art gets in the way of understanding deeper issues in this society and to say Hong Kong is a pure financial city just does not explain anything.

Thickness of Air

it was coffee, not beer - though i had wished, on the right

28 days have since passed and I am experiencing my first emotional downturn. The downturn is not homesickness. Matter of fact, homesickness is not an appropriate term for someone who only has an origin but not a home. The sudden downward spiral was, rather, driven by euphemism. Yes, euphemism - more specifically, the distance created by euphemism between individuals. I am tired of the long and carefully-crafted sentences that draw excuses from here and there and of which, when stripped to the core, are empty. So here I am, in a rainy and cold afternoon, sitting at the corner of the computer room and typing an entry of content that is incoherent with the other posts in this blog. I am not very good at concealing my own emotions but I have managed, to a large extent, in preventing Asian Salad from turning into my emotions dump ground. Weak as I am today, I decided not to fight against myself. People around me are chattering in loud Japanese and my usual peace of mind is suddenly shattered. I am generally comfortable when surrounded by unknowns but today, the air around me is strained and stuffy. I sensed a huge, immobile block of air wrapping me and my silence stands as a glaring contrast to the group that I will never belong. Then, I realize just how much I want to be embraced, both physically and emotionally.

-----------------------

Back from class. Presented to me was new concepts and knowledge that somehow connect with what I knew already, I found solace in this unknown familiarity. Whenever I reach out, it is always met with equal enthusiasm and this is exactly the kind of interaction I need.

生活感喟

a bourche given by the university. "please never ever commit suicide"

寫作是一個很耗心力的過程。將腦子裡一閃即逝的念頭轉化成言之有物的文章，不容易。更難的是要令腦子思考有。趣。的。東。西。而不是老想著晚飯吃甚麼，明天穿甚麼一些落俗但必須要考慮的生活應對措施。所以，思考生活以外的事是種奢侈。

以前的我的確是太奢侈了。和家人住在加州，飯來張口，平日基本上不需要想穿甚麼衣服，因為根本沒有人理會或能分辨club monaco和gap的襯衫。生活上的鎖事如付款或購物一般也能在網上辦得到。但一個人在異國生活就不得不顧及這些事。例如我想在網上查閱户口結存，但原來要上網查鋹要先交一份書面同意書。又，家附近有數間小型超市，相隔數十步價錢卻可差一截，所以非格價不可...等等，單是應付這些“小事”便較我顧顏不及。這個星期我想得最多的依序是錢，食物和量計經濟(我正在拿的一課）。世界中發生的大事變得與我無干，而我亦無力去寫任何感想。即使只是擦身之遙的日本反華示威，除了些少的不安外，實在沒有更大的推動力去令我想了解事件的原委。

回到學校理應刺激我的思維，現在卻被生活磨蹭，實在有點納悶 。我想我開始明白為何兩個人一起生活比較「著數」，回家有已準備好的晚飯和潔淨的衣服是多麼舒暢的一件事呀。在這以前，我只能節省無用的思路，和無用的購物。

適当に生きたい

日文中的「適当」有兩個完全不同的意思。第一個就像中文字面的解釋，訳作「適合」，「妥當」。第二個解釋我覺得矛盾但很有意思, 解作「隨便」、「是但」，即「whatever works」。

我想 「適当」地生活，做正確的事，但不用太認真耗盡精神去計劃怎樣贏得全世界。這所學校的日本人學生都應該是精英，他們的前途一片光明，能夠在可預計的路上「適当」地生活。但既然有東大這名號作保護網，我們不是能夠負擔更大的風險嗎？在「快樂經濟學」一書指，如果贏取＄100帶來的快樂是X的話，輸掉$100的痛苦不會是X，而是一個遠比X的價值為大的單位。結論是人總是討厭失去任何屬於自己的東西，當擁有的東西愈多，顧忌便愈大。從這層面看來，東大非但不是人生的彈板，反是一個扯著後腿的鉛球。這也是日本面對的問題之一，過去的日本太風光得意，縱然媒體都大肆報道現世代的經濟是如何不振，一般人都不覺得自己的生活水準差了很多。在沒有貼身的迫切性之下，所謂的改革是為了保持現狀而不是帶領日本走向更光輝的未來，政策不能亦不敢擊中要害，因為改革帶來的未知性是沒有政客敢擔當的。

扯遠了。

才上了一星期課，我覺得已學了一年的東西。東京大学是一所很舊，擁有自豪歷史的教育機關，校內的人有自己做事的一套，很多步驟看似繁複累贅但免卻不了。教授一字一驚心的英語固然是一個問題，同濟間在班房內的零發問才令我驚覺原來東西方的文化差異原來真的這麼大。可能是我太不懂規矩吧，站在講台上的大概都是日本國內有名的學術太斗，我這個半美國人卻總是不識趣的胡亂打斷教授的發言。來到這裡我陷入的身份危機更加嚴重，在這以前，我還一直以為自己是個害羞的香港人。

接下來的103星期還會有很多令我驚訝的人和事等著我去發掘。よろしくお願いします。

Initially...some short notes

Street outside of Todai

It feels weird to be in Japan.

Walking on the streets, I see everyone around me looks more or less like me. A lot of them, I secretly decided, are not Japanese. Just like me, they blend into the crowd effortlessly like an undercover agent and until we speak to each other, we won't know each other's hidden identity. It was of course, a wishful thinking on my part that I am no different from anyone else living on this island. Everyone speaks Japanese to me and one person even attempts to ask me for directions on the Todai campus... until I show difficulty in understanding and she immediately backs off and apologizes "すいません", which by the way is my most frequently used Japanese.

I saw some familiar establishments (read McDonlads, Starbucks) around campus yesterday and was tempted to try if there is a special Japanese version of my usual indulgences in the states. As I approached the store, however, I hesitated. In my head, I was trying to remember what are "fries" called in Japanese and I just couldn't recall it anywhere from my limited japanese vocabularies. I turned back and went into a convenient store instead, buying an onigiri as a replacement.   

It should not come as a surprise to me to see the price tagged on the food items after reading so much about it except it still does. They weight food by 100 grams, not pounds (100g = 0.22 pound) here and fruits and veggies are approximately 5 to 6 times the cost of what I see in Safeway in California. They sell lettuce by half and split the cabbage to 4 wedges so the price does not look outrageously high. I am sure the quality is top-notch but really, I just want to be able to afford more greens in my diet.

I was very proud of myself for being able to make my first transit on JR and get to 恵比寿 all by myself. On the train, the woman sitting next to me, who dressed in a very nice kimono in her 20s, was reading something with a chapter line "車の中で性交はいけない" (You can't have sex inside the train) No wonder people wrap their books here.

Wake up, September is ending.

I've been sleepwalking through life the last few months but my day as a bum is fast ending. Re-engaging to academics and life in general serves as a relief to me as I sat idle, watching friends, ex-classmates and ex-coworkers busy with work or other endeavors. Though we do not want to admit at times, we all implicitly measure ourselves against our peers and our happiness is largely determined by our perception on others' level of happiness. It is therefore, uneasy for me to sit back the past 3.5 months. But life has a way of reminding you big purposes through small things.

Since my parents have closed down their clothing store around the same time I quit my job, we have managed to spend a lot of time together. And it was during then occurred to me that they have aged. I've long noticed that white hair has spout out from my dad's head but the process of aging actually goes less visible. Aging means you are stepping down from the prime of your life, and many tasks that were once easy for you, you now have to depend on the people around you. Little as paying bills online or driving to a new restaurant where yelp has good reviews on, these have gradually become like walking uphill for them. Then of course, what I observed as a sign of their aging might be exaggerated by their limited English and reluctance to adapt new technology. But the slope will only become steeper from here, and it is me and probably me only that they can turn to when they transit into a new stage of their lives.

They are progressing into the Septembers of their lives.

Septembers are times when farmers harvest their matured grains, fruits and vegetables. I am not sure if I have matured the way my parents have hoped or whether I am quite nearly ripe. I am probably still green in a myriad of ways but I am learning through trying - trying to become dependable while being independent.

2/5 Vegetarian

People who have had eaten with me the last year probably noticed my newfound commitment to not eat beef. The decision was met with a lot of inquisitive eyes when it was first told because I don't "look like" a vegetarian. Most vegetarians they come to know are elderly women who don't eat meat for religious reasons. And when I told them my decision to forgone the mouth-watering wagyu (和牛) and its kind was for the sake of the environment because cows fart a lot and therefore produce a lot of CO2 gases, they thought it was a joke.

And lately, I have become fond of eating fully vegetarian, a progressive step of my no-beef diet, though by no means I am committed to be a vegetarian... yet. Maybe I am more health-conscious than before, but it just feels "right" to strip meat (of walking animals, not swimming ones) from my diet as much as possible. As I contemplate becoming a vegetarian, I have also come to aware that there are certain stigmas associated with being a vegetarian. Some that I can think of myself is that vegetarians tend to be more sophisticated, hippie-ish, drive a Prius, care about animals/earth more than living human beings and basically everything a macho American man is not. Hm... I will probably buy a Prius if I need a new car. check. I am cold to a lot of people and yet, people who have known me for long know that I am passionate about bigger causes. check again. Sophisticated? depends on the benchmark. Hippie? not quite. Oh, and I love watching football.. that would qualify as a "macho" trait I suppose. So 2 out of 5 in whole.

I can't help but question if I am falling into the vegetarian mold and whether I will reinforce this prejudice if I decide to become one. But I don't want to be categorized into any groups - in fact, I take pleasure in when people tell me that I am not Asian enough, not Hong Kong enough or not engineer enough... groups that people automatically assume I am part of but nevertheless I myself cast doubts on.

I want my decision to be reduced to the most genuine motive, but most of the times the decision-making process is marred by unnecessary concerns such as the projected public image of the decision.
The truth is I do care about the environment. And I care about my body as much, if not more, than the environment. With all that said, chances are I will become a 2/5 Vegetarian at the most because among the 5 major kinds of meat (Beef, Pork, Chicken, Fish and Others), I can only quit beef and pork.


Reference:
Eating beef more destructive to environment than driving
Vegetarian Stereotype

由A至M

 

正確的譯名應為「中下階層的衝擊」但大前先生所作的解構名詞「M型社會」貼切的形容了當前日本中產階級逐漸消失的形勢，因而成為台灣的流行用語。「M型社會」在Wiki的解義為：

“描述日本社會由原來以中產階級為社會主流，轉變為富裕與貧窮兩個極端。”

不像香港，七八十年代的日本沒有很多錢多得令人乍舌的富豪，亦沒有太多在貧窮線下掙扎的草根階層。因為收入差別不大，日本便曾號稱“一億中流”，意即有超過一億二千萬人口的日本，有一億人自覺屬於中產階級。這是典型胖矮的A型社會，階級流動暢通。但隨著地產泡沫於90年代初爆裂後，日本即陷入長期的經濟不景氣及通縮，至今仍未恢復過來。伴隨這情況的是上班族的人工凍結或下調，「只要一直服務公司，就會慢慢升職加薪」這個大前題無可避免的崩塌。

印象中的日本的經濟雖然經歷了近20年的停滯不前，但人民普遍的生活水準在世界中仍是數一數二，尢其是工資，平均來說仍屬世界的上流階層。 但原來這是誤解。日本的物價之高無出其右，由於市場封閉和盲目相信國產的物品質量較佳的關係，一般食物的價格都高居不下。據書中指，和其他國家的價格比較，米是美國的4倍；麵粉是英國的兩倍；牛肉是澳洲的5倍，新加坡，美國的4．5倍，連橙也是一般國家的兩倍至三倍。這是日本中下階層生活過得如此捉襟見肘的主要原因。

與普遍的觀點不同的是，大前先生認為經濟停滯不前與週期性的景氣不佳無關。「通縮」亦只不過是價格「正常化」的表現，而不是甚麼經濟危機而需要加以阻上。所以用印銀紙，零利率這些傳統的辦法根本不會奏效。歸根究底，這是經濟全球化的影響。日本是個出口國，產品無可避免地要和其他國家競爭，面對經濟「無國界」化，壓抑成本最簡單的方法便是壓抑工資或將生產地外移至成本較低的地方。但與此同時，日本抗拒外來的便宜物品，應為它們粗製濫造不及國產的精美，消費者根本連選擇的權利也沒有。政府一如已往的選擇去維護生產者的利益﹣一群為數較少卻很吵鬧的單位，卻疏忽了生活者應有的權利。這個日本結構性的問題。

「M型社會」發行於2006年。至今過了四年但日本除了換了5位首相外，政治上似乎還是乏善可陳，在改革的道路上還是沒有方向感。寫此文之時正值日本民主黨的黨魁選舉，代表求變的菅直人在選舉戰上戰勝了代表保守勢力的小澤，但菅直人有沒有改革的領導能力和選民有沒有耐性將成為日本未來發展的要點。

寫在下次回來之前

在香港的假期已進入倒數階段。下次回來大概又是另一番光景。

過去數年搬家次數很密，我亦一直是以過客的心態去搬往另一個城市生活，工作。追求的是金錢量度不了的所謂生活經驗，失去的亦是金錢量度不了人與人之間那交心的交往。每次認識了新朋友或談不上朋友的泛泛之交，我也抱著「不會在此地久留，所以不用深交」那種近乎冷淡的態度對待人，生怕付出的時間會白費。別人大概也看出我的不在意，就算有心接近也被我那種狀似客氣其實拒人於千里以外的態度而討了個沒趣。久而久之我覺得自己好像已經不能靠近別人或讓別人靠近，潛移默化地將關係都量化成時間單位去測度。

未來兩年我仍會是以一個過客的身份在東京生活，但心態上我想作出一些調整。始終兩年不是一個短的時間，就算生活或學業沒有過得像預期般，我也會盡量以包容的態度學習欣賞不盡如人意的地方，不是老想著快要離開而省卻深入認識別人和這城市的時間。東京不會只是我人生的新一章，它還會是一個轉捩點，鋪平為我之後該走的路，但我不想只是向前走而忘記注意身邊人與事的美好。

香港對我來說永遠都有特殊意義。 這裡有很多曾經和我的生命線平衡而走的人，一些雖然疏遠了但曾經帶給我震撼的人，一些年多才見但永遠沒有隔閡的人。過去一直在尋找那個屬於我包容得下我的地方，但突然發現原來那個地方根本不存在這地球上的任何一角。那個地方其實在心靈的平靜之處。

What's wrong about being smaller: the case for Japan

Last week, China whizzed by Japan to become the world's second largest economy. The announcement naturally provoked some uneasy sentiments in Japan. With the population expected to shrink 50 million by 2050, Japan's future is bleak, some worried. However, some think that for Japan, being smaller is a more sustainable way to live in coexistence with the environment. This piece of writing merely presents view from both sides and by no means means attempt to suggest which is a better way. After all, it is an issue that the Japanese citizens should decide for themselves.

Among the advocates of a smaller japan is Professor Norihiro Kato of Waseda University. He argues that we have come to see the limit of our resources and a slowdown in production provides a smooth landing for downsizing.

"Japan doesn’t need to be No. 2 in the world, or No. 5 or 15. It’s time to look to more important things, to think more about the environment and about people less lucky than ourselves. To learn about organic farming. Or not. Maybe you’re busy enough just living your life. That, the new maturity says, is still cooler than right shoulder up. "

We have long believed that the fruits of economic success can be shared by the population as growth continues. However, we have also turned a blind eye to the other side of the equation - an environment cost that has to be borne by the population as well. There may exist a perfect equilibrium between economic growth, environment and the population and our environment, as a natural constraint, simply cannot support a perpetual and limitless growth.

Sakanaka Hidenori,  a former direcotr of the Tokyo Immigration Bureau, also discusses the "Small Option" in his analysis of Japan's immigration policy. He makes no point in hiding that a shrinking population means that the younger generation has to pay higher taxes, entitles less pension benefits to support the current social welfare for the retired.  However, with tight control, Japan can become a more compact society "with a moderate-sized population living a comfortable, relaxed lifestyle in a rich natural and social environment". In short, one that resembles New Zealand or the Scandinavian countries.

For most people, however, growth is the magic word. Striving to be number 1 should be the only goal for the country. This view is most strongly upheld by traditional politicians who promise to lead the lackluster economy out from the 20 year stagnation to appeal to their constituents.

Ohmae Kenichi (大前研一), a former business and corporate strategist at McKinsey, does not explicitly side with either option but in his book "So long America...until you come back to youserlf", he proposes that Japan can issue more visa to obtain semi-skilled workers from Southeast Asia to fill the open positions in the fast-growing elderly health care business. The decreasing number of young people has left many industries short of staff and alike.

It will take a lot of soul-searching in Japan to decide which way to go from here. But whatever way it pursues, changes are bound to happen.

文化週末

這個週末心靈過得十分充實。

序言書室窗外

禮拜五晚到了旺角的序言書室出席有關美軍基地在沖縄問題的研討會。講者為日本駐港領事松永先生，會說日，英，中文，拿了Stanford的MBA，但不知怎的當起外交官，並曾在沖縄擔任美軍與當地居民的溝通橋樑。他談了沖縄的前世今生，為何沖縄人對美軍基地如此反感，甚為詳盡，但沒有涉獵到沖縄美軍基地的戰略作用和對國際關係的影響。聽眾十分投入，而且問題相當有質數，自己得著甚多。遺憾在發表完結後，他沒有留下一對一的和聽眾交流。

禮拜六看了由王迪詩原創的「孔雀男與榴槤女」舞台劇，甚對我口味。故事以香港近年發生的大事串成，勾劃出一個以精英主義掛帥的社會的可悲可笑之處。劇中主人公是個「偽知識份子」，滿口仁義，話裡間中喜歡插入英文詞彙但內容空洞。其間特首和眾高官陸續出場，當中的荒謬怪旦叫人忍俊不禁但也暗暗嘆息。可謂串盡香港，笑中有淚，經典台詞一句接一句，目耳都不暇給。當然，對我來說，更特別有警惕的意味。如何成為一個我口說我心，我手寫我心的人將會是我一生的課題。我相信此劇的工作人員都是心繫這城才能以尖銳諷刺的方式呈現香港獨特的面貌。這始終是一個叫人又愛又恨的地方。

因為表兄是主持，星期天接力出席了kubrick舉行的法國詩篇的研討會。不是我那杯茶，但後來發現原來在席者都不簡單。有香港作家也斯，藝術工作者wai yin等等。完結之後又到了Art Center 看劇團「三角關係」的「10字樓集作」小型話劇。主旨非常大路：青少年要打破既定生活模式，追尋夢想，遇到社會和家庭的阻攔。而故事也脫不開夢想就是到世界各地影相當攝影師，被迫放棄演戲而入讀商科等等的橋段。演員的演繹很青澀，但香港有這些劇團我覺得很不錯。在西九文化區的計劃討論進行得如火如茶之際，這些劇團作為軟體實在不可缺。

題外話，很奇怪地，開Cafe泡咖啡弄甜品對很多人來說都是有點浪漫的生活方式。雖然我也曾有經營Cafe的念頭，但經營Cafe是否就如我們想像能重拾生活自主？我們是否變得過份理想化又或者，這只不過是在我們潛意識裡，對社會彊硬化制度的反射？這亦令我想起近年在日本不少年輕人都放棄進入或入不到企業，而當上了Freelancer，隨自己喜歡的節奏去生活。某日本作家稱之現象為「下流化」來總括現在年輕人的無心戀戰。我覺得這沒有甚麼不妥，前題是年輕人不是被迫去過這種相對不安定的生活。

Are we happy consumers or being happily consumed?

In Tsim Sha Tsui, at the premium shopping district, one can't help but notice the overwhelming number of affluent mainland tourists. They are not necessarily the most well-dressed, yet the women almost always carry a brand name purse while the men usually wear polo shirt and leather shoes. Thanks to these free spenders, Hong Kong's economy has fared the global economic downturn fairly well. But what exactly is it that propels these upstart to buy what they are buying now? Are there deeper reasons for the shopping spree other than the self-inflicted urge to boast the newly acquired wealth?

Prior to the economic reform in China 20+ years ago, the mainland was infused by ideological beliefs that proved to lack the practicalities to make China a more prosperous country. Mr. Deng XiaoPeng, whose vision and courage is perhaps the most important factor for China's economic miracle, opened up China for foreign investment and trades, which then lifted tens of millions of people out of poverty. Planned economy has failed miserably to the invisible hands of market economy. From then on, China gradually opened its various sectors and joining the WTO was the highlight of this transition.

But what are we left with spiritually? In the States, one can comfortably say that the founding principle of USA rests in the conviction that everyone was born equal and entitled certain human rights that the government is responsible in protecting. But what about China? The communist leaders had once believed that under socialism, everyone enjoyed their fair share of resource and could live respectably as a human being. But as capitalism has slowly taken ground in China, socialism has correspondingly lost its appeals and resorted to a mere rallying cry. With the higher ideal missing, China does not seem to know how to exercise its power that comes with its economic prowess in promoting a better world. In dealing with Zimbabwe's authoritarian government, the Chinese officials focus on the business ties and tangible benefits, supplying jet fighters, military vehicles and guns to the government which was then used to suppress and kill domestic opposition. China's interpretation of its action is that it does not interfere other countries' domestic affairs, which is in a sense, value-neutral. It is true that it has not imposed any ideologies or values on countries that it has provided aid, which stands as a sharp contrast to the onerous requirement set by the western countries. But is it really value-neutral? Rather, are we not imposing because we do not have a guiding principle/morale to offer but a mere absolute practical view on things?

And this practicality echoes back with the consumption fever in China. The mainland is under an subdue optimism driven by our economic success and our main direction as a country is to sustain this momentum and become the most powerful country in the world through economic domination. Our value is constructed entirely on economic ground rather than an abstract ideology that our ancestors have spent the first half of 20th century contemplating. While this seems to be a more solid ground, we are now living in an age where we have to spend to vindicate our worth and to justify our sudden wealth. We simply do not have anything to believe in other than what is in front of us and what we can carry in hand. At the same time, however, a bit of our sympathetic capacity to feel for others is lost in this consumerism tidal. Everyone around us is a competitor and in this ultra-competitive society, we can only get ahead to survive and we are too busy to care for others.

Certainly, spending is not a bad thing and is the backbone of modern economy. But what I am concerned with is that the economy will eventually slow down and by then, what can the Chinese believe in and what can be promised to the citizens to keep the country united? Will we turn to nationalism and protectionism?

都市抑鬱症

回到香港不過一個多月，已經很想念加州那綠悠悠的草地，怡人的天氣和優閒的咖啡室。明明在那裡生活悶得要死，但現在想起來，那時候的悶卻是現在在香港缺乏的「思考空間」。都說記憶是個犯賤的東西，你每每記住的都是失去了的事物的好，它的壞卻是在擁有的時侯才最銘心。

Nicholas K

New York has many ways to make you feel poor. Beautiful clothes being one of them.

Among my many dateless weekends in nyc, a lot them were spent in wandering the NOHO and SOHO neighborhood. People were extremely well-dressed and I, despite being a proud Californian, constantly felt out of place. It was a kind of emotion that resembled both disgust and admiration. So there I was, in a store called "Atrium", encountered some pieces of clothing that embolden my fashion sense and that I had no doubt would elate my confidence wearing them. Sold in the heart of the fashion capital of the country, they were of course priced out of my financial league even after discount. Being a discipline shopper, I fought off the idea of bringing them home on the spot thinking that, hold off, there might be better deals online. To my disappointment, this is not a well circulated label and the selection was limited on the internet as well. Obsessed nevertheless, I went back to "Atrium" whenever I was in the neighborhood and underwent the same internal battle every time.

Nicholas K was the name. 

It is a company founded in 2003 by brother and sister team Nicholas and Christopher Kunz. Its women collection conveyed a sense of subdue urban toughness and an almost uncalculated coolness. With all that said above, I am yet to own any clothes from them and can only adore them through the catalog. But one day, I promise, I shall wear them to the lecture hall - as the instructor.

大國崛起,盛世之初?

陳冠中先生的中國背景小說「盛世」是一個令人心慄的預言。

2013年，經過金融海嘯的洗禮，各國勢力大執位。美元大幅貶值, 中國不能獨善其身，民間出現恐慌，人心惶惶。政府在第一個星期先按兵不動，待民眾按捺不住反過來要求強勢政府介入保持社會穩定，再實行三個星期的嚴打，白式恐怖。其後一系列的措施迫令人民消費，經濟暢旺，中國正式進入盛世。

詭異的是國內絕大部份人都忘了這一個月。社會濔漫一片樂觀的情緒，人民對現狀感到前所未有的愜意，幸福感溢瀉。主角甚至無緣無故也會被感動得眼眶濕潤。民間沒有人去提及盛世前的一個月，這段歷史在資料報刊上當然也沒留痕跡，這個月就這樣從大家的記憶消失了。那些記得的反被標籤為社會上的邊緣份子，被孤立視為瘋子。書中的幾位主角想去追尋內裡的陰謀，但非常諷刺地，原來甚麼陰謀也沒有，民眾是自自然然忘記的。對於決心追求公義的人來說，哀莫大於麻木，既然民眾自願選擇忘記，真實到底是甚麼已沒有價值。

地鐵電梯

地鐵內的手扶電梯真是香港生活的最佳縮影。

香港人效率之高從電梯的速度可見一斑。地鐵電梯的速度之快 相信香港認了第二，沒人敢認第一。每次從電梯踏出，都感到被推前的衝力，最重要的是當一隻腳著陸後，另一隻腳使要趕快準備踏出，否則穿拖鞋的就有夾腳趾之慮。不像在美國，電梯快要終断時我一隻腳踏出後還可以施施然的拖著另一隻走。

My research proposal for MEXT (Monbusho) scholarship

Asian Salad has so far been a mere dumping ground for my random thoughts. The content, for that reason, made absolute no use for my readers. So, in an effort to broaden my readership, I decide to start writing some "how-to" or "know-how" articles which hopefully can connect me to people that I don't know but nevertheless, should meet.

And here is a short perface for the following article: I have been awarded to MEXT research scholarship through the university recommendation by Todai. While the application process might differ from the route through the embassy, I believe the application form and the supporting documents required is the same between the two. So here you go, the following is my research proposal written specifically for MEXT. It is meant to serve as a resource/reference to prospective MEXT applicants who find the application guidelines confusing and frustratingly vague.

斑馬線頭

飯局中談到男人頭髮的問題。

我說美國的白人男人，一到中年多數禿頭，不及印度人的體毛濃密。朋友F即時說香港的男人 也不見得好很多，不少親戚的髮線也正向上移。我立時環顧酒樓內的男士，果真發現不少斑馬線頭顱。何謂斑馬線頭呢? 就是額頭以上寸草不生，但將茂密兩側的其中一面勉強梳向另一面的髮型。可是因為不毛之地通常的幅員較遼闊,所以髮絲不能充份覆蓋而造成黑白橫隔的奇怪光景。我想，與其左撥右撥的勉強蓋掩，不如剃光乾脆露出禿頂來得坦蕩。曖曖昧昧的掩飾反而更令肉色之處顯得更突厥不自然。

斑馬線頭讓我聯想到近期人氣甚高的口靚模。衛道之士都群起攻擊，說口靚模寫真「品位低俗」，「教壞細路」，口靚模就反駁說她們的相片是「健康性感」，沒有賣弄色情的意思。誇張的甚至說寫真富「藝術性」，為了藝術沒有底線云云。這分明是禿頭的硬要說自己不是禿，只是頭髮比較稀疏已而。要嗎就不要拍寫真，拍了就應該坦白點，大聲說「我就係要sell誘惑」。一個願買一個願怕，本來就是公平不過的交易。口靚模硬要說自己的寫真是藝術寫真就愈顯得此地無銀三百兩，公眾就更加不屑。其實周秀娜能夠從云云口靚模跑出不是因為她最漂亮，最性感，令大家受落的是她的敢作敢為，敢做敢認的坦然。

口靚模引起廣泛討論不是因為她們敗壞了社會風氣，（香港的文化風俗本來就不怎高尚嘛，茶餘飯後談論的不外乎明星股票之類），而是她們游走於文化間的灰色地帶，不容易被歸類。口靚模不像AV女優，沒有硬橋硬馬的宣揚色情，她們也不是正統的歌手／藝人，只能賣身沒有藝可賣。口靚模在這兩者之間能夠生存，正正因為她們滿足了那些明明鍾意𥄫女但又要辦正經的香港人。

所以香港的文化本身就是一個不折不招的斑馬線頭。當上至特首被問及六四應否平反時支吾以對，下至藝人被問是否和某某在拍拖時說大家是「好朋友」，真的不禁要相信要在香港出人頭地就一定要搞點曖昧才行。



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黨不住的80後

早兩天看畢本地劇團“愛傷處”的處女話劇“黨不住的80後”，整體感覺是有點不倫不類。

首先，好端端的一個美國劇本，被冠上”80後“這個本土味甚強的劇目名，沒看處本介紹的還以為是一個本地原創劇（但無可否認我是因為“80後”這個catch phase而進場）。二，劇中加插了“god damn it", “oh my god"等等的美式俚語，和劇內的廣東話粗口與笑料顯得格格不入，效果好似叫余文樂扮陳冠希講英文咁，作壯不討好。三，撇開形式上的處理，內容表達雖然忠於原著，但因為題材渉及大麻與槍械，一般香港人難以代入角色。後現代青少年的迷惘這個主題是世界性的，但在香港這個擠迫細小的城市，要尋找“freedom creek”這個能夠脫離社會大氣以至金錢的綁縛，有自由去塑造理想共同體的烏托邦，是要我們的想像力伸展至不現實的地方。在香港，我們極其量只能有如“六樓後座”的被動空間﹣一個被壓迫下勉強喘延的地方。但是在其他先進地區國家，青少年如果融入不了主流社會，也有到郊外經營咖啡鋪甚至是務農的可能。所以說，在香港生活本身就是一個困局。而劇的最後結局，雖然我個人很喜歡，甚有日本色彩的頹廢感。那是無助感的無限膨脹, 有別於一般tvb式的大團圓結局。

香港的80後有其獨特的地方，但“黨不住的80後”的主題材卻因未能聚焦於香港80後的特性，所以說起故事來不夠一針見血。但作為本地初生劇團第一個嘗試，已算是不錯吧。

Reverse culture shock

Having been in and out of Hong Kong number of times now, I did not expect to experience any kind of reverse culture shock this time around. But as it turns out, there is still a number of things that i find slightly surprising:

1. Hong Kong is unbelievably clean, even in the public bathrooms. The cleanliness of Hong Kong's bathrooms has exceeded my expectation, in fact so clean that I wanted to take a picture out of it but waived off the thought in the end. And aside from bathrooms, streets are generally well-maintained and rarely would you see an overfilled trash can or unclaimed rubbish bags lying on the street. Maybe we are trying to lead by example to our fellow mainland comrades and compete head to head against Singapore, but whatever the driving force is, I appreciate this rise in hygiene standard - and would even more so if they start to provide seat covers also in bathrooms.

絆

兄弟姊妹之間的牽絆與生俱來，但這牽絆和甚麼事物也一樣,  is not built to last。有此感慨要由某表哥即將舉行的婚禮說起。話說媽打的姊姊一向和媽媽的關係也不錯, 但在數年前她的婚姻出現了問題, 她選擇怪罪了媽打而不是自己或姨丈. 原因？因為媽打沒有告狀。姨媽相信媽打一早知悉那第三個女人，但因為姨丈和爸爸有生意來往的關係，而不將實情相告。她們的關係自此進入冰河時期。原本表哥的婚禮是大好的破冰機會，但也許姨媽心頭那根刺太粗太中心坎 ﹣ 當媽打其他的兄弟姊妹已悉數收到邀請出席婚禮的電話時，我家的電話始終沒有響起。

Given what I knew and not knowing what is hidden from me, 我當然是為媽打抱不平。我們家都不是多事的人，尢其是這些「惟恐天下不亂」人才幹的事, 我們都噤聲不會多說。再說，婚姻乃私人至極之事，孰是孰非又豈由外人插口。而且媽打根本不能肯定那個人就是第三者。不過，事到如今，要媽打和姨媽回到關係未破裂之前的有傾有講，大概已不太可能。我為媽打的難堪而難過，每當聽到其他親友準備出席表哥婚禮，卻甚有默契的不談姨媽或不去詢問我們有沒有被邀請的時候， 我們的不被邀請好像都變得是應該的，合理的。突然間，大家都過份識趣的不去插手，不去嘗試以「大家都是一家人」的心態去媛和這僵局。大家都怕表態，怕觸及別人的「易燃點」而灼傷自己。

仲夏午之夢

某友人衝入屋時，剛好被屋內的人大力關門， 因衝力過猛而撞得頭破血流而死。現場是一個頗為富裕的市郊, 每户前皆有一個整齊的草坪, 停車房外泊著潔淨簇新的房車。事發時夜已深，警察遂將意外現場封鎖，剩下兩個目無表情的守衛在交頭接耳。警察車上的警號燈光沒有轉暗的跡象，紅光沒有絲毫忌諱的劃破黑夜。

我沒有看到意外發生時的情形，只收到一個匯告朋友已過身的電話。發呆數分鐘後眼淚竟奪眶而出，然後心是抽搐的痛。我驚訝自己原來不是想像中冷血，原來一個人對自身的影響根本不能由自己控制。我隔著玻璃球注視著朋友要衝進去的屋，粉白的門完全沒有被破壞的跡象，而朋友的屍體早已被搬走。屋內始終漆黑一片。

後記：
朦朦朧朧中從這超現實得來很真實的夢醒來，發現兩行淚。趕緊抹乾然後再閉眼去尋找睡眠帶來的麻痺，但久久不能釋懷甚麼能令友人奮不顧身。

Illustration of Kafka's "Country Doctor"

A Japanese manga illustration of Kafka's "Country Doctor"... Didn't realize I over read so many important details of the story until I watched the illustration below.

當奴的無奈：教我如何說服您

既然擺得擂台，我相信當奴是真心相信他的方案已經增加了民主成份，在中央早已決定2012選舉功能組別與直選議席的比例必須相同這個大前題下， 這是他能力範圍內爭取到最大的進步，可以同廣大市民交待。但，看著他乏善足陳的語調，不停將停滯不前的民主發展責任推向否決05方案的泛民身上，繼而再半恐嚇市民唔上呢班車就永遠去不了普選這個有如海市蜃樓的終點，我實在連同情分也打不到給他。說真的，我寧願當奴坦白一點，清楚道出有無或幾時有普選根本不由香港人話事，中央一句OK，甚麼循序漸進的民主基本法依據都是廢話，明天我們便可以高高興興的去投票選特首。

在互相質詢的環節，特首問余議員如何爭取40票去取消功能組別，反被譏諷「你唔識做問我點做」，便讓我們清楚看到當奴的無奈。就算，and that's a big if, 當奴真的有心廢除功能組別這個選舉模式，在現存30個功能組別議席（雖然也有泛民的功能組別議員）制度下，要功能組別自動放棄特權談可容易。上有中央，下有民建聯以及社會既得利益者，政府在這種綑綁式監察下運作根本不能有甚麼作為。反觀余議員站在道德高地，質問功能組別的存廢時擲地有聲，動之以情說之以理，特首根本沒有招架之力。雖然觀眾問到否決了方案後民主發展何去何從時有點噤聲，但overall, 余議員的表現可以用屈機來形容。

我想，一個曾在哈佛接受教育的人應該可以理解余議員有關普選定義的提問都是合情合理，偏偏在這個框子內，特首只能用帶灰色地帶的字眼朦混過關, 與喬曉陽的官腔一脈相承. 在廢武功之下，that is the best he can do.

特首，真的很難做。

"But why all this hate?"

旋律美得很不真實的一首歌 ﹣



I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end
Cause' you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take your far away.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I owe writing a reflection to myself

After 1 year and 11 months of self-doubts, repeated but futile attempts of self-justification, anger, frustrations and all sorts of negative emotions, I am proud to announce that I have finally set myself free. The last day of work was somewhat of an anticlimax after close to 3 months of planning and a more-than-enough 6 weeks of leave notice. For all the setbacks I have experienced, I shall say that this job has helped me figured out myself and there are several important take-aways that I can use as a reminder for myself in the future:

1. I can work long hours only for a cause I deem worthy - and money is not one of them.

2. My ultimate passion is to help and inspire people even though I am not exactly a people-person.

3. I don't mind working in front of the computer for 13 hours straight but my brain better not be idle and numb.

The last week of work, I was paranoid. I kept thinking that something out of the whack would happen to me like getting seriously injured in a car accident. Maybe this day was too important to me or that I still have doubts about my decision so this unfulfilled premonition was a sign of my anxiety towards the future. Despite knowing that I will be in Tokyo the next two years, there are still important questions that I need to answer for myself like where do I want to and can settle, should I have a plan B for myself if the route to academia does not work out...etc. Also, I need to be more conscious towards my family's feelings when I am making decisions in the future. I can't just carry this me-and-only-me mentality going forward and really, start to pay attention to the people around.

Why does football, aka soccer, never make it to the main stage in America?

Americans, in general, are dazzled by size. To name a few, just look at the quarter pound cheeseburger, the power size Jamba Juice, Hummer trucks, Walmart, and our dear California state governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, their presence alone is not only overpowering but can be intimidating in a lot of ways, and their sheer volume says quite a lot about Ameircans' infatuation in bigness. In America, size is an equivalent measure of manhood and power - the more muscular you are, the higher you can hold your head up.

Compared to Europe and Japan where meterosexual with delicate facial feature and slim figure has come to become the standard of male beauty, American concept of a "true man" is one with a defined jawline and well built muscles, and one who carries a gun and hunt in the wild. This very image (think of Brad Pitt) has probably stayed the same way since the birth of the nation albeit the drastic social change in the last 100 years.

The same preference for muscularity and manhood over anything else deemed less macho naturally affects our sports selection. American Football is the most popular sports in the states and it features nothing but big, no, HUGE guys whose arm width easily outmatches my thigh width. Basketball, as well, are not meant to be played by the regular-sized human beings. The average height of NBA players is about 6'8'' as opposed to 6'1'' of the players in the English premium league.Unless you have sonic speed, there is close to no chance to be selected to NBA if you are less than 6 feet tall.

So what about baseball? You don't have to be the biggest, the tallest nor the quickest to play baseball. True. Baseball is probably the least physical sports among the popular sports in America but the myth with baseball is that it falls very well into the category of "American Dream". With hard work and strong determination, you can develop from an amateur baseball player to a pro, and in fact, lots of players in the MLB played in the development league before going to the national league. The dream of becoming a pro athlete is actually within the reach of the common people like me and you, which is precisely the charm of this sports and echoes nicely with the core value of America.

Football, on the other hand, is being discriminated against in America because its very nature discourages intense physical contacts and nothing in the game of football celebrates the toughness of the players. Not only you don't have to be the biggest nor fastest to play football, too often, we see a supposedly world class player dives to the ground, clutches to his leg and whine in agony in a pathetic attempt to have the refugee calls foul. "How in the world will you get hurt with a tab on the shoulder?" An American audience will probably yell. Put it this way, "Making a show of your physical vulnerability runs counter to every impulse in American sports.", says an American columnist. In short, America is just too barbaric a nation to appreciate the beauty and art of football and we just cannot be satisfied until some fists are thrown and players carried off the court on a stretcher.

So can America ever embrace football? Probably not. And it is for the sake of international stability anyway to keep the Americans out from the football elites. The anti-america sentiment will surge, as if we are not hated enough already by the rest of the world, if team USA wins the world cup.

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二世祖

金正日，說穿了，其實只不過是一個食早蔭的二世祖﹣靠著老父金日成的國父之名，然後自封將軍實行極權統治，人民生活在水深火熱中卻視若無睹，明明已經一窮二白還繼續將僅有的資源投放在發展核事業之上以唬嚇週邊的國家。這個「偉大領袖」不按章出牌，將各國玩弄於鼓掌之內，令身為盟友的中國和諸敵國皆無所適從. 究竟佢既所作所為係為了保護早業定係另有所圖實在令人摸不著頭腦。

放諸香港與美國，二世祖又是何其的多，雖不至金正日般呼風得風但驕縱愛炫曜財富的倒見過不少。他們追求高級有品味的生活卻說不足穿怎樣的衣服，食物應該如何烹調，放置怎樣的傢具才算有品味，只懂求其堆砌名牌上身然後出入貴價餐廳（有時我真為LV的設計者歎息）。我懷疑，他們的驕縱源於從少別人對他們的奉承所以一直都不將別人放在眼內，就算是戀人朋友也視之為自己的裝飾品而不是用真誠的態度對代。

我覺得要令一個二世祖醒覺是非常困難的﹣除非佢自己敗左成個家。對著二世祖施軟他便以為人家想蘢絡自己抽水，硬的話又以為要搶佢身家，所以金正日呢個case，除非北韓人民站起來，否則，難搞矣。

醜陋的香港人

得知補選的投票率是尷尬的17．1﹪時，失望，憤怒交雜。原來香港人真的對民主沒有甚麼渴求。要求的只是盡快落實真普選，踢除功能組別這個與民主精神背道而馳的崎形制度。一個卑微不已的要求﹣ 卻得到不夠兩成人的認同。

公投之前，看見周遭很多的朋友都在facebook呼籲去投票, 而在網上亦有很多人發表文章支持這次公投，深受感動，本來想寫一篇題為「美麗的香港人」的文章, 天真的以為普羅大眾都會站在雞蛋這一邊，用自己力量微小的一票撞向石牆。然而，現實都非盡如此。「搞咁多野不如去飲茶」先至係主流聲音。香港人，係咪淨係識得搵錢？

民主， 其實真的不能解決所有問題。它不能保證香港經濟繁榮，也不能保證每個人都安居樂業。但至少，它給予我們解決問題的機會, 讓我們正視存在於社會上的不公平。香港法制健全，市民普遍的教育程度很高，民主的種子其實早已在這小城上散播。香港人卻沒有好好珍惜這些來得不易的自由民主 ﹣ 我們今天的冷漠將成為明天的悔恨。





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