Thickness of Air

it was coffee, not beer - though i had wished, on the right

28 days have since passed and I am experiencing my first emotional downturn. The downturn is not homesickness. Matter of fact, homesickness is not an appropriate term for someone who only has an origin but not a home. The sudden downward spiral was, rather, driven by euphemism. Yes, euphemism - more specifically, the distance created by euphemism between individuals. I am tired of the long and carefully-crafted sentences that draw excuses from here and there and of which, when stripped to the core, are empty. So here I am, in a rainy and cold afternoon, sitting at the corner of the computer room and typing an entry of content that is incoherent with the other posts in this blog. I am not very good at concealing my own emotions but I have managed, to a large extent, in preventing Asian Salad from turning into my emotions dump ground. Weak as I am today, I decided not to fight against myself. People around me are chattering in loud Japanese and my usual peace of mind is suddenly shattered. I am generally comfortable when surrounded by unknowns but today, the air around me is strained and stuffy. I sensed a huge, immobile block of air wrapping me and my silence stands as a glaring contrast to the group that I will never belong. Then, I realize just how much I want to be embraced, both physically and emotionally.

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Back from class. Presented to me was new concepts and knowledge that somehow connect with what I knew already, I found solace in this unknown familiarity. Whenever I reach out, it is always met with equal enthusiasm and this is exactly the kind of interaction I need.

生活感喟

a bourche given by the university. "please never ever commit suicide"

寫作是一個很耗心力的過程。將腦子裡一閃即逝的念頭轉化成言之有物的文章，不容易。更難的是要令腦子思考有。趣。的。東。西。而不是老想著晚飯吃甚麼，明天穿甚麼一些落俗但必須要考慮的生活應對措施。所以，思考生活以外的事是種奢侈。

以前的我的確是太奢侈了。和家人住在加州，飯來張口，平日基本上不需要想穿甚麼衣服，因為根本沒有人理會或能分辨club monaco和gap的襯衫。生活上的鎖事如付款或購物一般也能在網上辦得到。但一個人在異國生活就不得不顧及這些事。例如我想在網上查閱户口結存，但原來要上網查鋹要先交一份書面同意書。又，家附近有數間小型超市，相隔數十步價錢卻可差一截，所以非格價不可...等等，單是應付這些“小事”便較我顧顏不及。這個星期我想得最多的依序是錢，食物和量計經濟(我正在拿的一課）。世界中發生的大事變得與我無干，而我亦無力去寫任何感想。即使只是擦身之遙的日本反華示威，除了些少的不安外，實在沒有更大的推動力去令我想了解事件的原委。

回到學校理應刺激我的思維，現在卻被生活磨蹭，實在有點納悶 。我想我開始明白為何兩個人一起生活比較「著數」，回家有已準備好的晚飯和潔淨的衣服是多麼舒暢的一件事呀。在這以前，我只能節省無用的思路，和無用的購物。

適当に生きたい

日文中的「適当」有兩個完全不同的意思。第一個就像中文字面的解釋，訳作「適合」，「妥當」。第二個解釋我覺得矛盾但很有意思, 解作「隨便」、「是但」，即「whatever works」。

我想 「適当」地生活，做正確的事，但不用太認真耗盡精神去計劃怎樣贏得全世界。這所學校的日本人學生都應該是精英，他們的前途一片光明，能夠在可預計的路上「適当」地生活。但既然有東大這名號作保護網，我們不是能夠負擔更大的風險嗎？在「快樂經濟學」一書指，如果贏取＄100帶來的快樂是X的話，輸掉$100的痛苦不會是X，而是一個遠比X的價值為大的單位。結論是人總是討厭失去任何屬於自己的東西，當擁有的東西愈多，顧忌便愈大。從這層面看來，東大非但不是人生的彈板，反是一個扯著後腿的鉛球。這也是日本面對的問題之一，過去的日本太風光得意，縱然媒體都大肆報道現世代的經濟是如何不振，一般人都不覺得自己的生活水準差了很多。在沒有貼身的迫切性之下，所謂的改革是為了保持現狀而不是帶領日本走向更光輝的未來，政策不能亦不敢擊中要害，因為改革帶來的未知性是沒有政客敢擔當的。

扯遠了。

才上了一星期課，我覺得已學了一年的東西。東京大学是一所很舊，擁有自豪歷史的教育機關，校內的人有自己做事的一套，很多步驟看似繁複累贅但免卻不了。教授一字一驚心的英語固然是一個問題，同濟間在班房內的零發問才令我驚覺原來東西方的文化差異原來真的這麼大。可能是我太不懂規矩吧，站在講台上的大概都是日本國內有名的學術太斗，我這個半美國人卻總是不識趣的胡亂打斷教授的發言。來到這裡我陷入的身份危機更加嚴重，在這以前，我還一直以為自己是個害羞的香港人。

接下來的103星期還會有很多令我驚訝的人和事等著我去發掘。よろしくお願いします。

Initially...some short notes

Street outside of Todai

It feels weird to be in Japan.

Walking on the streets, I see everyone around me looks more or less like me. A lot of them, I secretly decided, are not Japanese. Just like me, they blend into the crowd effortlessly like an undercover agent and until we speak to each other, we won't know each other's hidden identity. It was of course, a wishful thinking on my part that I am no different from anyone else living on this island. Everyone speaks Japanese to me and one person even attempts to ask me for directions on the Todai campus... until I show difficulty in understanding and she immediately backs off and apologizes "すいません", which by the way is my most frequently used Japanese.

I saw some familiar establishments (read McDonlads, Starbucks) around campus yesterday and was tempted to try if there is a special Japanese version of my usual indulgences in the states. As I approached the store, however, I hesitated. In my head, I was trying to remember what are "fries" called in Japanese and I just couldn't recall it anywhere from my limited japanese vocabularies. I turned back and went into a convenient store instead, buying an onigiri as a replacement.   

It should not come as a surprise to me to see the price tagged on the food items after reading so much about it except it still does. They weight food by 100 grams, not pounds (100g = 0.22 pound) here and fruits and veggies are approximately 5 to 6 times the cost of what I see in Safeway in California. They sell lettuce by half and split the cabbage to 4 wedges so the price does not look outrageously high. I am sure the quality is top-notch but really, I just want to be able to afford more greens in my diet.

I was very proud of myself for being able to make my first transit on JR and get to 恵比寿 all by myself. On the train, the woman sitting next to me, who dressed in a very nice kimono in her 20s, was reading something with a chapter line "車の中で性交はいけない" (You can't have sex inside the train) No wonder people wrap their books here.