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| picture taken during the hike to big 'C' |
Today marks the end of my extended stay in California. Having been through all the departures in the past, whether it was my very own or that of friends and acquiesces, it had never occur to me that saying goodbye would be this hard but this is just one of the many things that I did not know about myself prior to this trip. Yesterday, I sobbed, halted, and sobbed again first in Kentaro's residence and then on my drive back. As I am writing this, my eyes still moistened occasionally. And that was just one of the numerous times I cried in the last 5 weeks, which in sum has exceeded the amount of tears I had shed in the last 3 years. I never knew myself as a crying baby as to me, an outward display of tears put myself in a vulnerable situation and attracted unnecessary attention. Plus, a cosine curve of emotional intensities is just counter-productive, I decided in the past. Then I realize that one simply cannot be impassive nor objective when another person is involved with your life, especially when s/he is equally if not more sensitive as you are.
If the melancholy surrounds around my leave has done anything good, it must be that it shatters our arrogant self-rightness and have pulled us closer once again. There has been ups and downs in the course of the last few weeks. Flattered with the positive and receptive responses, perhaps I have arrived with an ungrounded optimism and thought that building a relationship with be a bliss. And so it went initially until we all have to resume to our normal duties and responsibilities at some point. I used to and still question whether my individuality would be compromised in the sense that I cannot be the best of me when there is a "plus one", never does it occur to me that the other person can be a complement to my life as I to his. But this very concern was based upon my perception of my role as the "giver" of the relationship and that is such a conceited thought of me! The truth is that Kentaro is also doing his part for me, and my contribution hinges on the response that I expect to receive. I therefore feel that I am wronged when I feel like anything I get is less than what I expected. I have merely enlarged my very own "sacrifice" and extracted satisfaction in this twisted self-glorification.
I remember in one of the essay responses I received from Professor Wallace, he wrote, " I can just see you zipping through, enjoying the ideas but not too interested in slowing down to do the nitty-gritty work 100% of the time. ". It comes back to me every now and Prof's acute observation on my character deficiencies always amazes me. I always seem to have trouble with details and a sense of complacency prevents me from striking for perfection. This has put an contrast with Kentaro's particularity and is sometimes a source of frustration. Differences, however, are opportunities for us to appreciate ad learn. I remain hopeful regardless of the adversaries going against us. I think I am already becoming a better, a more gentle, and patient person as my life no longer only resolve around me now. This will be a long learning process but we can develop more consensus and become more capable of thinking from the other person's perspective as long as we go on this path hand-in-hand.
