It was not that long ago — 4 years and 9 months to be exact — when I was an enthusiastic grad student, full of research ideas and ready to dive into the immensity of economics to seek for the “truth” in this world. I was so baffled by the politics and economy of Hong Kong at that time, and I hoped that economics, through its logical reasoning and rigorous mathematical deviation, could help me arrive at some fundamental relationship in understanding factors leading to a just society. From a career perspective, working as a researcher also seemed like a noble pursuit, free from the politics and struggle in a corporate that I dreaded.
The reality check came fast and hard though. I failed my first attempt at quals, the first hurdle to overcome in order to move on in the PhD program. You can attempt the quals 3 times and if you fail all 3 times, you are out. Quals are, however, offered only two times a year — once before and once after the summer — that means, if you fail them 2 times, you have to wait another year before taking them again, effectively delaying your graduation by wasting a year on quals rather than on research. The pressure to pass in the second attempt was thus enormous. It was no exaggeration that the summer after my 1st year was the most miserable 3 months in my life as i spent everyday reviewing the material that seemed so distant from what I remotely cared about.
Spending every day reviewing past qual questions was demoralizing. So I tried to help myself to not feel that all time was wasted by developing some research ideas. I wrote down something that in retrospect did not make any sense but at the time felt like a brilliant idea, and sent it to a renowned professor in the field asking for comments. He wrote back:
“ You think that you have an idea that you wish to develop. I am delighted and want to encourage you to pursue the idea. It could be that the trouble that I have understanding what you have written is entirely due to my own limitations. You should talk to others to see if they are better able to follow you. I think that it is likely that others will also have difficulty with your formulation. If so, then it would be worthwhile to “get better socialized” by looking at how authors motivate their research and formulate research questions.”
My face was burning. I could not even force myself to read on after the first sentence. I just embarrassed myself in front of the leading authority of the field. Quite literally, I just wanted to find a cave and hide. Do I still have a future? Should I just quit the program now? I still remember vividly the few days that I laid down on the sofa, listless, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing but quitting.
I was quite beaten up at that point, and decided to leave the program if I failed again the second time, and would not attempt for the third time no matter what. But well, I managed to pass at the end of the summer.
“Guess i would stay on, ”
To celebrate the milestone, I got some ink on my skin. It was a feather, a symbol of putting it down.
