More than 2 months have gone by since the breakup. From the initial reluctance to part, to a slim sense of relief, and to now, an insurmountable emptiness and a lingering poignancy, a part of me is still hurting. But perhaps because of that, I found myself closer to my heart than to my head. I worried too much that my head dominates my action and that I commit to a relationship because my head tells me that it is the logical thing to do. I guess the worry stemmed from my fear that he matched too well with the image of a "perfect boyfriend" in my head - an "overjustification" effect as economists would call. Was I trying too hard? Was I not trying enough? I mused all the time. But at this very moment I know that it was not my head that was in the relationship with J - my heart was. It was a relief to learn that, though it doesn't matter now.
I spent a lot of money the last month to redirect my attention to myself. Couple thousands on invisalign, hundreds on make up and skin care. They say money doesn't buy happiness but I did feel better - i looked myself into the mirror and told myself that ”私なら大丈夫”. I also realized how much I want to be closer to family and friends, and more and more I want to move back to the bay area. It would have been silly to give up the control of my life to academia.
He is different though. He is still climbing the ladders, and wants to see the view from up there. I believe he will find his place in this world soon.
At 30 years old, I face the same social pressure to get married as many people do in my age group. But I know that I am also responsible for my own happiness. These days I am starting to form images of a future in which I would live in a small house with tasteful furniture, accompanied by a dog. I would do research, brew my own coffee and read in the home office, and invite friends over for dinner in the weekends. In long holidays, I would go traveling - maybe visit Japan once in a while - and explore the world while I can still walk and run. Nothing extravagant, just a simple life.
