離開。

爺爺嫲嫲的健康狀況每況愈下也不是這一兩年的事。從以往自己上街市買餸買報紙到只能到樓下公園乘涼，再到後期點每天待在家裡沒有人在身旁都不踏出家門，至這近半年連自理應力也喪失，歲月的痕跡在他們的身軀上愈劃愈深，看在眼聽在耳除了是無力痛心外只有不知所措。雖說衰老的過程就像是逐步回到嬰兒時期，但歲月拿走的不只是青春麼更將他們生活的樂趣以至尊嚴逐一撕掉。

我從來只認識爺爺嫲嫲高高在上的一面，尢其是嫲嫲雖不懂寫字讀書但言行間總有一種豪邁氣度，家裡的人已至爺爺都對她尊重有加。反之爺爺總是安靜的坐在一旁，只會間中在大顆兒的談話內加插一兩句。在電話裡他也是一句起兩句止，總是將電話交回給嫲嫲推說自己不懂說話。爺爺走前三個星期，在療養院內的他骨瘦如柴，凹陷的雙頰讓我也差點認不了他。雙目的神彩早已點滴不剩， 瘦小的身軀被綁在輪椅上，神智大多時都很糢糊。我探望他的那天他好像認得我， 縱然他已忘掉怎樣說廣東話，他伸手輕輕捉緊我手，手冷冷的，但在我記憶裡這還是我懂事以來頭一次，我也緊緊的握著他的手回應著，嘗試告訴他我回來了。

想到老人家，歉疚就一直纏擾著我們在外地生活的子孫，回到香港也沒法讓心情放輕不能釋然。我不是容易跟別人親近的人，爺爺嫲嫲大概也跟我一樣吧。其實心裡拼命想打開話匣子，傳達心中的關愛，但每每流於坐在電視機前，讓無聊劇集的聲浪淹蓋我們不自然的沉默。沉默讓空氣變得沉重，坐在同一梳化上咫尺卻天涯，人生最遠的距離大概如此。他們都懂嗎？我說不出口的關心。



 爺爺，再會了，您不用牽掛，我們都會好好過生活。在另一個空間裡，我會再牽牽您的手。

Love test

In discord with its surrounding. Kowloon City, Hong Kong

Last Saturday I hopped on the plane, knowing that I'd miss 3 upcoming midterm exams but was oblivious that a bigger test awaited in Hong Kong.

It shakes me everytime I return to Hong Kong. This time the visit was brief and unplanned for and yet, the shock was much more fundamental than my previous visits. In a span of 4 days, the fear and sadness that a family member might part was displaced by a sort of mental exhaustion. I love my family dearly but it hurts me that we are measured against each other on the depth of our love every second. And it haunts me that love, when pressurized, is distorted and manifested in the form of self-righteous acts. I never for a second doubt our hearts and our love, but why in times like this do we turn into some big brother agents: watching each other as if we are waiting for an opportunity to turn others into the Villian. We worry that we are being outdone, that our love is ingeniune, muddled by wrongs committed and favors received in the past so we go extra miles to prove to ourselves that our sacrifice is for the right cause. And we set high bars for each other, comply to it, and let our vigor sucked off along the way.

All in claims of love.

But if this is truly all for love, why don't we get a bit of satisfaction out of it and instead, be reminded (by ourselves and the surroundings) that we are not doing enough? Alas, I have learned long ago such is the nature of all tests.

----

Few days back I learned that a classmate, a fellow first-year PhD student, is dealing with a much more severe familial situation. His father back in his home country is diagnosed with terminal cancer and has only few months left in life. I don't know how much internal struggles he has to go through everyday but this really speaks quite a lot of his will and determination to complete a PhD here. I have nothing but admiration and respect for him.