Love test

In discord with its surrounding. Kowloon City, Hong Kong

Last Saturday I hopped on the plane, knowing that I'd miss 3 upcoming midterm exams but was oblivious that a bigger test awaited in Hong Kong.

It shakes me everytime I return to Hong Kong. This time the visit was brief and unplanned for and yet, the shock was much more fundamental than my previous visits. In a span of 4 days, the fear and sadness that a family member might part was displaced by a sort of mental exhaustion. I love my family dearly but it hurts me that we are measured against each other on the depth of our love every second. And it haunts me that love, when pressurized, is distorted and manifested in the form of self-righteous acts. I never for a second doubt our hearts and our love, but why in times like this do we turn into some big brother agents: watching each other as if we are waiting for an opportunity to turn others into the Villian. We worry that we are being outdone, that our love is ingeniune, muddled by wrongs committed and favors received in the past so we go extra miles to prove to ourselves that our sacrifice is for the right cause. And we set high bars for each other, comply to it, and let our vigor sucked off along the way.

All in claims of love.

But if this is truly all for love, why don't we get a bit of satisfaction out of it and instead, be reminded (by ourselves and the surroundings) that we are not doing enough? Alas, I have learned long ago such is the nature of all tests.

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Few days back I learned that a classmate, a fellow first-year PhD student, is dealing with a much more severe familial situation. His father back in his home country is diagnosed with terminal cancer and has only few months left in life. I don't know how much internal struggles he has to go through everyday but this really speaks quite a lot of his will and determination to complete a PhD here. I have nothing but admiration and respect for him.