Randy

This cannot possibly be the end. At this age, I don't have that many friends left, nor do I make many new friends. And I thought even long after we both finish at Mission Lane, we would still hang out regularly and visit each other. There are still so many more conversations I want to have with you. So many cocktails we still have to share. I refuse to believe that you took your life. You once told me you are an optimistic person. Optimistic people just don’t do this, right? This must have been an accident, and you didn’t mean it. And you are a jokester  - is this all a practical joke that you played on us? If you don’t want to work with us anymore, just tell us… You don't have to disappear.

You were kind, brilliant, humble, witty, and charming. You found lightness in the most serious situations; you diffused tension in heated arguments, and you solved the most gnarly technical problem. You were the voice of reason and the glue of the team, and you were the reason that I found myself at home in Mission Lane. You saw something in me that I didn't know I had. And you always told me that I was too hard on myself when I agonized over a less than stellar presentation. How could it be that the first time I met you in person was also the last time? How is it fair that you lose someone just when you thought you found a kindred spirit?

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When I was working on the Cicada project, I was stuck on the problem risk group construction. You came up with a coding solution that to this date still blows my mind. I felt so proud to call you my teammate.

And then there were all the Slack conversations that I couldn't help but chuckle at every time I think about it:

Do you remember the back-and-forth we had on Slack regarding the naming of the hardcut approval model? Do you remember the thread about ketchup? What about the time when we had a long-winded discussion on how to encourage DM applicants to not apply via CK?

Would the hours long conversations we had during onsite be something that you cherish when you look back? Those are the conversations that inspired and energized me. I was able to have a glance at the fear, your childhood and family behind the brilliant mind. They were dear to my heart and I would never imagine being able to carry a conversation like this in a work setting. And do you remember the moment when you tried to get me to look away just so you could steal a fry from my plate? That childishness, that smile. 

Do you know? I said I didn't like to be called a "bro" but I was secretly happen when you called me your "bro". Because we are tight. We are buddies.

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Did you secretly want to ask for help? Or have you asked for help, and I missed all the signs? You acted too normal, too functional - to a point that I wondered how could a person dealing with ending a 12-year relationship be so calm. Perhaps I should have pressed more. Perhaps I should have asked more questions. There are only regrets and sorrow now.

I am deeply thankful for 2.5 years of mentorship, friendship, support, trust, and most importantly, laughters. 

I just so badly wish for more. 

I don’t know if the hole you left behind would ever be filled again. But I hope you found peace. I miss you soooo dearly Randy.