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| View from Cowles Mountain, San Diego |
Simply put, the first quarter of grad school was hellish. The sheer amount of course material was insane, probably exceeding a year's worth of studying in college. The week before finals I was hiding out in the lab 7:30am to 9pm, trying to cram in all that was taught (and not taught) in 10 weeks while consuming only bread and coffee. Grades ended up being so-so and professors have probably already deemed me unworthy to be an economist, which I am OK with since I am only lukewarm about being an academic to begin with. Knowing my own limitation and thus, perhaps as a deflection of pride, I grew slightly detached as the quarter flew by and I met more like-minded people at school. Even though I am not especially a social person since I find most people either hypocritical or dull, nothing makes me happier than being able to connect with other individuals on a deeper and meaningful level. It was when people were around that I found myself fully transited into a new life that seems to isolate me from everything else and yet, one which I secretly enjoyed despite the mounting pressure. In this ivory tower I was shelled off from any realistic concerns, and could focus only on learning or rather, just catching up. I felt both comfortable and insecure at the same time - comfortable in that both the direction and goal was clear at this stage, and insecure in that my decision to enroll in a PhD program is a complete waste of not only my time but my professors' as well. Truth to be told, I thought of quitting pretty much every day but well, it is still early in the game to call quit and I will be cautiously hopeful now. Even though I am pretty sure that I will become really miserable by the end of the first year, I have resolute to have a first year with no regrets in San Diego.
1. You should eat salad, aside from bread and coffee.
回覆刪除2. I know you have good ideas. Never mind about the grades.
3. I always look forward to hearing from you.
Hang in there. I've heard stories of Nobel laureates who did badly in their first year. Also, you have winter and spring quarter to turn it around, which is more feasible than it may sound. And hang tight with your study group--having good friends to study with everyday will not only help you with the coursework and qual preparation on a day-to-day level but will also keep you sane leading up to quals which is important.
回覆刪除>> Yuki
回覆刪除Thank you for dropping a note here. I usually take pretty good care of myself but first year of PhD is really pushing my limit.
And I only hope my ideas can translate to more academic success - but it is also likely that they will function better in a real-world setting, not in academia.
>> And whoever left the 2nd comment - thank you for the sound advices.
Well, nothing is a complete waste of time and I trust you know how to turn this experience into something valuable for yourself. Academic success or not, there will be something you can get out of this experience, and whatever that is, it will be worth more than whatever academic success. I find that university life is more about finding yourself than the numbers on the transcript.
回覆刪除I found this part interesting tho. You said:
"Grades ended up being sub par and professors have probably already deemed me unworthy as an economist, which I am OK with since I am only lukewarm about being an academic to begin with"
I thought you were gonna say:
"Grades ended up being sub par and professors have probably already deemed me unworthy as an economist, which I am OK with since I am more of a _______ or I care more about ______ "
-Adam (I go with anon. setting cos I don't wanna sign in and out I hate this blogger system)