Thickness of Air

it was coffee, not beer - though i had wished, on the right

28 days have since passed and I am experiencing my first emotional downturn. The downturn is not homesickness. Matter of fact, homesickness is not an appropriate term for someone who only has an origin but not a home. The sudden downward spiral was, rather, driven by euphemism. Yes, euphemism - more specifically, the distance created by euphemism between individuals. I am tired of the long and carefully-crafted sentences that draw excuses from here and there and of which, when stripped to the core, are empty. So here I am, in a rainy and cold afternoon, sitting at the corner of the computer room and typing an entry of content that is incoherent with the other posts in this blog. I am not very good at concealing my own emotions but I have managed, to a large extent, in preventing Asian Salad from turning into my emotions dump ground. Weak as I am today, I decided not to fight against myself. People around me are chattering in loud Japanese and my usual peace of mind is suddenly shattered. I am generally comfortable when surrounded by unknowns but today, the air around me is strained and stuffy. I sensed a huge, immobile block of air wrapping me and my silence stands as a glaring contrast to the group that I will never belong. Then, I realize just how much I want to be embraced, both physically and emotionally.

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Back from class. Presented to me was new concepts and knowledge that somehow connect with what I knew already, I found solace in this unknown familiarity. Whenever I reach out, it is always met with equal enthusiasm and this is exactly the kind of interaction I need.