Pregnancy Recap

It’s been three weeks since I gave birth. Baby Lamlam is currently sleeping next door with our postpartum nanny, while I sit here pumping milk at 3:00 AM. The transition from pregnancy to new parenthood is a challenge I didn’t anticipate. I thought I was ready to simply "offload the little dumpling" and be done with it, but I was entirely caught up in the reality of managing my post-delivery body. It’s also a good time for me to document my pregnancy joruney:

Pre-Pregnancy For the longest time, I was ambivalent about babies. If you aren't crazy about them to begin with, why would you ever willingly put yourself through ten-plus hours of the incessant pain that is labor? Yet, by the time I turned 40, the "now or never" pressure felt undeniably real. I decided it was worth a try. If I didn't get pregnant, I wouldn't be disappointed and certainly wasn't going to pursue invasive methods like IVF. But if it happened naturally, I would welcome and embrace the change.

Pregnancy When the test came back positive, my immediate reaction was disbelief—followed quickly by panic. With so many of my friends struggling to conceive, I had assumed pregnancy was a long shot for me, too. It turns out I was somewhat of a pregnancy unicorn. Not only did I conceive naturally despite my "advanced maternal age," but I had zero complications. No preeclampsia, no morning sickness, nothing.

My only scare was entirely self-inflicted. During our second-trimester trip to Cancun, a mosquito bit my ankle during a Cenote excursion. I immediately convinced myself it was Zika. I wasted the rest of the vacation frantically calculating probabilities and worrying that we had ruined our baby. It was all a false alarm, of course; much to my relief, Lamlam’s head size eventually measured in the 71st percentile. By the third trimester, despite my growing belly, I worked up until three days before my scheduled delivery (granted, I was working from home from week 36 onward and keeping my movement to a minimum).

Delivery Because I opted for a planned C-section, there were no cinematic surprises—no sudden water breaking or frantic cab rides to the hospital in the middle of the day. The downside to a scheduled birth is that everyone else knows the exact date, too, and they spent the weeks leading up to it reminding us just how much our lives were about to change.

On the morning of the surgery, we arrived at the hospital at 5:30 AM. We were escorted to the pre-delivery room to fill out paperwork, and the nurse hooked me up to monitors and an IV. Then, Chris and I were left alone for about an hour. It felt like an eternity as I nervously waited for the doctors to arrive.

After the OB-GYN and the anesthesiologist briefly explained the process, I was taken to the operating room to be numbed. This was easily the most painful step of the entire delivery. The spinal block was administered right into my back; the nurse standing in front of me had to place both hands firmly on my shoulders to keep me from jumping at the sharp pinch. Once the medication kicked in, my lower body went entirely numb. The medical staff casually chatted about K-dramas and C-dramas while setting up the catheter and the sterile drape. The doctor reassured me that I might feel some tugging, but no pain.

When Chris was brought into the room, I kept my eyes fixed firmly on him. I didn't want to accidentally catch a glimpse of the surgery in the reflection of the overhead surgical lights.

The first indication of her arrival was the sound of crying. I looked at Chris and asked, “Is Lamlam out?” And there she was, born at 8:41 AM. Neither of us cried—we’ve never been the overly emotional or expressive types. While I was being sewn back up, Lamlam was cleaned and weighed. The entire process was painless, and afterward, my doctor called it a "textbook" C-section. It went as smoothly as it possibly could have.

Recovery Chris and I spent the next three nights in the hospital. On the first day, I was completely bedbound. With the catheter still attached, my entire existence happened in that bed: eating, peeing, nursing, and sleeping. Sensation only partially returned to my legs later that afternoon. The day was a blur of frequent check-ins from nurses, doctors, and lactation consultants—checking vitals, filling out paperwork, and teaching me how to nurse.

Breastfeeding proved to be quite painful; the latching hurt, and the soreness persisted throughout the entire feed. Because of this, I was incredibly grateful for the hospital’s overnight nursery. They fed Lamlam formula, which allowed me to catch five hours of uninterrupted sleep.

By the second day, with a nurse's help, I managed to swing my legs off the bed and eventually shuffle slowly to the bathroom. I couldn’t stand up straight out of fear that I would rip my stitches open, so my posture was hilariously hunched. Once the catheter was removed, peeing on my own for the first time in a day and a half was a bizarre experience. The urge was there, but nothing came easily. It started with just a few drops, and I had to sit on the toilet for a full ten minutes before I could completely empty my bladder.

My mobility improved significantly by the third day, though I kept my laps confined to the room. My pain level peaked at a very manageable 2 out of 10, controlled entirely by oral painkillers, and I was finally able to take a shower. My belly, however, remained incredibly round—I still looked about 70% pregnant.

We were discharged on the afternoon of the fourth day. By then, I could walk naturally, if a bit slowly. Before heading home to start our new life, we made a pit stop to pick up boba, knowing I’d likely be housebound for a while.

Newborn Life We were fortunate enough to hire a postpartum nanny for our first month to ease the transition into parenthood, but surprises still caught me off guard. On our first night home, I was terrified by a sudden, intense pain from engorgement in my chest. I frantically dragged out the breast pump I had bought a month prior but never opened. I scrambled through the manual, but for ten excruciating minutes, the machine wouldn't pump. In my panic, I had forgotten to attach the duckbill valves to the flanges. Chris tried to help, but accidentally cranked the suction intensity all the way up—I almost screamed.

Looking ahead to the days when the nanny leaves, I’m hoping Lamlam can stretch her overnight sleep a bit longer so we aren't waking up two or three times a night once she hits the one-month mark. I also foresee myself transitioning to more pumping and less direct breastfeeding, as the little dumpling has a stubborn habit of falling asleep right at the source.

PhD Episode 1: the enthusiastic and naive newbie

the goal that seemed so far away

It was not that long ago — 4 years and 9 months to be exact — when I was an enthusiastic grad student, full of research ideas and ready to dive into the immensity of economics to seek for the “truth” in this world. I was so baffled by the politics and economy of Hong Kong at that time, and I hoped that economics, through its logical reasoning and rigorous mathematical deviation, could help me arrive at some fundamental relationship in understanding factors leading to a just society. From a career perspective, working as a researcher also seemed like a noble pursuit, free from the politics and struggle in a corporate that I dreaded.

The reality check came fast and hard though. I failed my first attempt at quals, the first hurdle to overcome in order to move on in the PhD program. You can attempt the quals 3 times and if you fail all 3 times, you are out. Quals are, however, offered only two times a year — once before and once after the summer — that means, if you fail them 2 times, you have to wait another year before taking them again, effectively delaying your graduation by wasting a year on quals rather than on research. The pressure to pass in the second attempt was thus enormous. It was no exaggeration that the summer after my 1st year was the most miserable 3 months in my life as i spent everyday reviewing the material that seemed so distant from what I remotely cared about.

Spending every day reviewing past qual questions was demoralizing. So I tried to help myself to not feel that all time was wasted by developing some research ideas. I wrote down something that in retrospect did not make any sense but at the time felt like a brilliant idea, and sent it to a renowned professor in the field asking for comments. He wrote back:

“ You think that you have an idea that you wish to develop. I am delighted and want to encourage you to pursue the idea. It could be that the trouble that I have understanding what you have written is entirely due to my own limitations. You should talk to others to see if they are better able to follow you. I think that it is likely that others will also have difficulty with your formulation. If so, then it would be worthwhile to “get better socialized” by looking at how authors motivate their research and formulate research questions.”

My face was burning. I could not even force myself to read on after the first sentence. I just embarrassed myself in front of the leading authority of the field. Quite literally, I just wanted to find a cave and hide. Do I still have a future? Should I just quit the program now? I still remember vividly the few days that I laid down on the sofa, listless, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing but quitting.

I was quite beaten up at that point, and decided to leave the program if I failed again the second time, and would not attempt for the third time no matter what. But well, I managed to pass at the end of the summer.

“Guess i would stay on, ”

To celebrate the milestone, I got some ink on my skin. It was a feather, a symbol of putting it down.

Sumedh

He took his life last week, apparently on his birthday. A week after the summer fellowship ended. None of us knew why.

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My first impression of Sumedh was one of intimation. In a training session during the first week of the fellowship, I, Sumedh, and another fellow were in the same group trying to work out a problem. At one point the team was stuck, and I was struggling to follow the discussion he was having with another teammate. I could tell his command of the subject was way beyond me. He said that there was something wrong with the solution that was given, and waited to talk to the presenter afterward trying to figure out why the solution was the way it was. His insistence made me feel uneasy but the genuineness was undeniable. I was ashamed of myself.

We spent a whole day together with 2 other DSSGer on the scavenger hunt. He had a great laugh when I told him the joke about the revolving door, of which I stole from Lin. It was the kind of laughter that put you at ease. I went on telling him about my research, and he was genuinely interested — not like the “oh it sounds really interesting” type of response I typically get from talking about my own research. He listened carefully and asked thoughtful questions. I was touched.

In another gathering in unit 426 early in the summer, a couple of us stayed late and just chatted about random topics: Donald Trump, giraffes, number theory …etc. He was the life of the discussion. And then at one point, he halted and asked the group: “Can I tell you guys my favorite theorem by Terrance Tao?” sounding like a fan talking about his idol. He then went on describing with clarity a seemingly simple mathematical statement. I was very impressed.

Towards the end of the summer, Sumedh hosted a party at their unit. I arrived late and walked in alone. I grabbed a beer and stood alone awkwardly, not sure whom I should strike a conversation with. Probably noticing my uneasiness, he walked towards me and started telling me how he loved my sweater and we exchanged a few words. I was grateful.

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I will raise a glass for you tonight. You have been an inspiration.

the best team

In the last party of the summer,  I had a brief chat with Rayid. He said that we were similar to last year's cohort individually but had different collective identity as teams. I thought that was an interesting comment as it highlights how even when everyone is chill and reasonable, there could still be strange team dynamics.

---------

Teamwork can be tricky, and our team certainly had our share of drama this summer.

I was excited when I received the team assignment in the second week: H is the youngest on the team and also my roommate. She is always the life of the party and can make you feel like you are the most important person in the world when you talk to her. Y, whom I spoke to almost the entire time during the rooftop party in the first week, has done very interesting things in life. She was confident, direct and we hit it off immediately. R joined in the 3rd week. I was nevertheless impressed by his profile (wrote a machine learning textbook?! come on now. ). I was sure that our team was the best team.  The Milwaukee project also ranked the highest on my preference list in terms of the issue I care about. Everything seemed perfect.

We had some initial success as a team, scoring high matching rate between the two datasets that were given to us. The ultimate goal of our partner is to set up a data platform where different public agencies can come together and share information. Being able to match individuals across was therefore crucial. Things became slightly more difficult when it was time to build a pipeline. No one has undertaken a software engineering-task before so naturally it was difficult to muddle through. Knowing that machine learning is not my expertise, I was hoping to sit back and let others do most of the talking and decision-making in meetings. But the plan was only half-fulfilled. I still let others to do most of the talking, only raising voice to ask dumb questions when I was lost.  But it came a point when I realized everyone has equal responsibility and I pushed through a suggestion which I was proud.

The real test came in August. Bugs were found. Our pipeline was not working the way it should. Pressure was piling. The air in the team suddenly felt dead, and it was visible to everyone that there was something wrong. I suddenly found myself needing to speak more which is not my strong-suit: responding to the partner in phone meeting, speaking to our manager about the team dynamics, checking in with everyone on their progress. It was a stressful week.

The air was cleared the next week but the pressure kept on mounting.  With an approaching deadline and no actual deliverable planned, I became more frustrated, and was led astray to think that I was the only one who cared. I was upset at everyone. But the frustration dissipated in the night before our deep-dive presentation, when we all stayed late in the office to get everything ready while eating ice-cream. Yes, dessert definitely helps fight negative feelings but more importantly, I felt that we were in this together. We pulled it off, I mused after we finished the presentation next day.

It was not always easy, but in the end, I am very very proud of team Milwaukee. And I still think we have the best team.

These people were a social good for me

I am coming back to this half-abandoned blog to write about this past summer. The summer spent with DSSG has exceeded all my expectations by a large margin. Chicago was amazing, but it was the people whom made this experience truly special. I met people who have different outlooks on life, yet share similar passion and drive as mine. I met people who are years younger than me, but exhibit maturity way beyond their age. I met people who are brilliant in what they do, and yet so willing to teach and share their knowledge. I also met people who ease between different identities, programming in the day and making music in the night.

I reckon it is difficult to make new friends - friends whom you can call up and talk about your sadness, and friends whom you would travel miles to visit - at a ripe age of 31; It takes a lot of effort to impress another person, then to find common ground. From there, it is an another hurdle to overcome if you want to connect on a deeper level.  Yet I have found friends in the last 3 months. And I recall vividly the exact moments when I realized that some of these people will stick around in my life beyond the summer:

1. unDSSG was a day when stations were set up across the office and all DSSGers have to teach others something unrelated to DSSG in their own booth. I taught people how to make sushi in the morning, and the day ended with copious amount of alcohol consumption like many other events in the summer. So I was finishing up my drink near the ping pong table, and then I realized the beers might soon be out. I texted Y, my teammate, and asked her  to save me a beer in the kitchen. I then went on playing ping pong. A few moments later, Y brought me a cider and then she went about doing her own thing. I texted her again, and protested that a cider is not the same as a beer. Another few moments later,  somebody put an arm around my shoulder from behind when I was completely unaware and jokingly said "are you complaining??" in my ears. It was Y, of course. I said, "How dare I?". There we were, head to head, laughing. I knew I found a friend.

2. It would be impossible talk about Y without K. K is always bubbly, and she has a remarkable ability to strike conversations and make friends with strangers.  The "connected" moment between us didn't come until much later in the summer, though. It was the last week of the fellowship. 6pm-ish.  I was walking out of the office planning to go back to dorm to cook some food and get ready before going to see the movie "Sausage Party" while K was sitting on the couch alone, still working on the technical plan. It was rare to see K without Y. I stopped and was about to exchange a few words. K somehow convinced me to change my plan (as she always did) to go grab drinks with her. We ended up at the bar area in Girl and the Goat, sipping cocktails. We talked about what girls talk about. At one point, she decided that she would illustrate to me what she was talking about with a hand gesture. I was bewildered, looked around the bar table to check if anyone was looking at us, and immediately trying to stop her. We looked at each others and laughed hysterically, and that sealed the deal.

3. E is a hipster. Everything E does spells 'cool'.  I knew early on I wanted to be friends with E. But being a hopeless introvert, I didn't actively pursue the friendship. One weekend in the summer, I planned to go hiking and invited a few people to come along; only E came in the end. So the two of us spent a few hours in the car, and in the woods, just talking about music, start-ups, random topics on education and culture. We also shared our traveling horror stories, which turned out to be quite funny in retrospect. It struck me how much similarities we shared (though I am not as cool) and somehow, I was sure that our paths would cross again. 

4.  426 is a unit number at the University Center. The single ladies in 426 came from different countries, and have very different personalities but their singlesness unite them. One day in the early summer a movie night was planned, and it was then decided that the 3 ladies living in 426 shall be collectively referred as the "single ladies".  The movie was "the Danish Girl" and it was the perfect choice. For the next few days, the morning greetings in 426 went like this: "Am I pretty enough?", "Of course you are"  "But I’ll never be as pretty as you."  Single lady L subsequently started a tumblr account called "singleladieswatchingthings", recording the pathetic lives of the ladies over the summer. New member was admitted later in the summer and it has aroused some jealousy of the old members due to his prettiness, but it was an invaluable addition regardless.  

PB

More than 2 months have gone by since the breakup. From the initial reluctance to part, to a slim sense of relief, and to now, an insurmountable emptiness and a lingering poignancy, a part of me is still hurting.  But perhaps because of that, I found myself closer to my heart than to my head. I worried too much that my head dominates my action and that I commit to a relationship because my head tells me that it is the logical thing to do. I guess the worry stemmed from my fear that he matched too well with the image of a "perfect boyfriend" in my head - an "overjustification" effect as economists would call. Was I trying too hard? Was I not trying enough? I mused all the time. But at this very moment I know that it was not my head that was in the relationship with J - my heart was. It was a relief to learn that, though it doesn't matter now.

I spent a lot of money the last month to redirect my attention to myself. Couple thousands on invisalign, hundreds on make up and skin care. They say money doesn't buy happiness but I did feel better - i looked myself into the mirror and told myself that ”私なら大丈夫”. I also realized how much I want to be closer to family and friends, and more and more I want to move back to the bay area. It would have been silly to give up the control of my life to academia.

He is different though. He is still climbing the ladders, and wants to see the view from up there. I believe he will find his place in this world soon.

At 30 years old, I face the same social pressure to get married as many people do in my age group. But I know that I am also responsible for my own happiness. These days I am starting to form images of a future in which I would live in a small house with tasteful furniture, accompanied by a dog. I would do research, brew my own coffee and read in the home office, and invite friends over for dinner in the weekends. In long holidays, I would go traveling - maybe visit Japan once in a while - and explore the world while I can still walk and run. Nothing extravagant, just a simple life.

年度漢字

今年，一整年也在迷惘中度過。年初至九月一直為博士課程的資格試狂塞知識入腦，假期不用說每天的生活除了上堂讀書食飯睡覺外，好像甚麼也沒有做過，哪裡也沒有去過，整個人緊繃繃驟然失去了不少對生活的敏銳和熱情。

迷惘，是因為意識到能力的極限 ﹣從前考試當食生菜，盡了力沒有不拿A的可能。好像口氣很大但實情就是如是，肯花時間唔識讀到識試題盡在掌握之中又怎會有不懂的可能。但在這一年間我意識到讀書真的需要開竅，不能再像以往般一股蠻勁將坐在書桌前磨爛蓆，只求將短暫入腦的知識最大化卻不知怎樣connect the dots，將不同範疇的知識拼湊在一起。如是這成績不理想也無可口非。迷惘，更是因為源於對自己所選道路的懷疑。「我在向前走嗎？」，「堅持下去能找到屬於自己的平安嗎？」這樣的問題一直絮繞，尢其是炒了六月份的第一次考試後，固中的失落茫然不足為外人道，但，感謝爸爸媽媽的體諒從不予我更多的壓力，更著我好好照顧自己。過去的這一個夏天是難挨的，外面溫度相宜，沙灘就在咫尺但我每天像被軟禁般留在家中溫習，至九月初壓力已近爆煲，時不時淚眼縺縺。幸而通過了九月的補考，否則我現在大概已在其他地方工作吧。

九月後開關，見多了人。我不是那些很善於交際的人，相識雖然真的滿天下，但交心的朋友5只手指數晒。這段期間可幸地認識了一些可以談得投契的朋友，但其後不知就裡的有幾個關係出了亂子，弄得很奇怪。我也迷惘了好一陣子，究竟是我出了甚麼問題還是錯不在我，今後又應如何自持。自已一個去完Arizona後發覺想多也沒用，有些事時間人物地點缺一不可。往後真誠自重，不扭拎的對待別人就好了。

老套的以新年的寄願作完結﹣讀到韓國的大學教授選出了「轉迷開悟」為2014年的新年成語。我覺得很有意思，套用於自己身上也很合適。就而轉迷開悟作契，期望新一年撥開迷霧，悟出些少生活的智慧。

some inconsequential feelings

Here I am, alone in the hotel room in Page, on Christmas night. There is no Christmas carol, but I put Sakamoto's "Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence" on loop in my iphone. The music speaks my melancholy, and of course, the tile is apt for Christmas. There is no Christmas feast, and instead I had Blackberries that I bought from Safeway earlier today. The TV is off, and the book that I brought along on the trip - Jared Diamond's "the World Until Yesterday" is laid open. The chapter is on bilingualism. But I am not reading, in fact, I do not feel like taking in any knowledge this very moment. Rather I want to say something, be heard, in any tongue that I can manage and in any forms of expressions that people can understand. Realize no one is listening, I talk to my heart.

This has been the worst year of my life, I reckon. I drank a lot, the most in my life. I made mistakes in relationships, and I repent for not able to say my feelings. I did not do well in school, but that I have no excuse for. I have been a let-down. I start to think whether I have a problem and if so what is it. Earlier last week, an acquaintance in the past told me he did not want to hear from me anymore after I said it would be better for us to remain friends. The very next day he wrote to me saying what a fool he was, and wanted to fix things. I did not respond and that was that. Looking back, the manner of his leave-taking had begun a constriction which neither of us knew how to arrest. Ties can be cut but harm cannot be undone easily. I was on the other side of things 2 months earlier. I thought I found a kindred spirit but he said it would be more "convenient" that we remained friends. Not wanting to push for anything, I did not object, thinking that this is how mature adults handle rejections. Unable to advance from friendship, I later faded away. Yet, it still comes as a shock when he announces he is now an item with somebody. I realized what was "inconvenient" was me afterall. The idea that he could have been my best friend is proof of some horrifying taint in me.

I value purity and simplicity in life. That relationships are not bounded by expectations and responsibility but a real sense of affection, that social or biological contracts that bind us together as a unit are unnecessary. One of my greatest fear is to call my frail grandmother in HK. It is not because I am scared of dealing with the imminent end of one's life. In fact I always imagine what is it like to die. And I love my grandmother with all my heart. But the call itself was by no means an expression of love. It was a scoring mechanism. I'd call knowing that my watchful relatives keep a "love score" in their head. The presence of this thought marred the purity of the care I want to express. Everytime I call, I would run over what I was about to say in the call in advance and try to make sure I show enough affections in each sentence. And yet after each call, I would breath out a long sigh, as if I have just overcome a huge barrier but not without pain.

Here I am, letting out some of my feelings. They are inconsequential and unworthy of anyone's time. But I thought this might be part of the healing process. I haven't been able to bring them up to anybody in the past. And instead of avoiding them or pretending that they are not there, I decided to come in terms with myself.

Merry Christmas, O.

Come sit with me a while

As I re-read my old entry on leaving my first job 3 years ago, I realized that I am experiencing the same emotional distress as I was then. The same self-doubts, frustrations and anger. But this time, there are no shoulders to shed tears on and there is no reassuring encouragement from anyone. I sit alone in my arm chair, eyes getting moisten every now and then, and feeling exhausted even though I have been physically inactive for the last few months. The despair is slowing eating me alive. It is not that I am the loser of this game that draws self-pity but rather, the feeling that your heart gets trampled on when you so eagerly had it laid bare. The stint with my last employer was a simple give-and-take relationship and nothing in the work evoked a deeper calling. By choosing to return to school I made a commitment on my future and sacrificed earning potential. I remember once saying that being able to make a commitment and sacrifice for a cause is a happiness in itself because you have found things in life that are worth giving up pure hedonistic pursuit. So I thought I was content. And yet, much like a romantic relationship, just because you chose it does not mean it would also choose you. I ticked through the long contact list on my phone but there is no one I could call. Maybe, I am not as self-content as I imagined myself to be. 

離開。

爺爺嫲嫲的健康狀況每況愈下也不是這一兩年的事。從以往自己上街市買餸買報紙到只能到樓下公園乘涼，再到後期點每天待在家裡沒有人在身旁都不踏出家門，至這近半年連自理應力也喪失，歲月的痕跡在他們的身軀上愈劃愈深，看在眼聽在耳除了是無力痛心外只有不知所措。雖說衰老的過程就像是逐步回到嬰兒時期，但歲月拿走的不只是青春麼更將他們生活的樂趣以至尊嚴逐一撕掉。

我從來只認識爺爺嫲嫲高高在上的一面，尢其是嫲嫲雖不懂寫字讀書但言行間總有一種豪邁氣度，家裡的人已至爺爺都對她尊重有加。反之爺爺總是安靜的坐在一旁，只會間中在大顆兒的談話內加插一兩句。在電話裡他也是一句起兩句止，總是將電話交回給嫲嫲推說自己不懂說話。爺爺走前三個星期，在療養院內的他骨瘦如柴，凹陷的雙頰讓我也差點認不了他。雙目的神彩早已點滴不剩， 瘦小的身軀被綁在輪椅上，神智大多時都很糢糊。我探望他的那天他好像認得我， 縱然他已忘掉怎樣說廣東話，他伸手輕輕捉緊我手，手冷冷的，但在我記憶裡這還是我懂事以來頭一次，我也緊緊的握著他的手回應著，嘗試告訴他我回來了。

想到老人家，歉疚就一直纏擾著我們在外地生活的子孫，回到香港也沒法讓心情放輕不能釋然。我不是容易跟別人親近的人，爺爺嫲嫲大概也跟我一樣吧。其實心裡拼命想打開話匣子，傳達心中的關愛，但每每流於坐在電視機前，讓無聊劇集的聲浪淹蓋我們不自然的沉默。沉默讓空氣變得沉重，坐在同一梳化上咫尺卻天涯，人生最遠的距離大概如此。他們都懂嗎？我說不出口的關心。



 爺爺，再會了，您不用牽掛，我們都會好好過生活。在另一個空間裡，我會再牽牽您的手。

Love test

In discord with its surrounding. Kowloon City, Hong Kong

Last Saturday I hopped on the plane, knowing that I'd miss 3 upcoming midterm exams but was oblivious that a bigger test awaited in Hong Kong.

It shakes me everytime I return to Hong Kong. This time the visit was brief and unplanned for and yet, the shock was much more fundamental than my previous visits. In a span of 4 days, the fear and sadness that a family member might part was displaced by a sort of mental exhaustion. I love my family dearly but it hurts me that we are measured against each other on the depth of our love every second. And it haunts me that love, when pressurized, is distorted and manifested in the form of self-righteous acts. I never for a second doubt our hearts and our love, but why in times like this do we turn into some big brother agents: watching each other as if we are waiting for an opportunity to turn others into the Villian. We worry that we are being outdone, that our love is ingeniune, muddled by wrongs committed and favors received in the past so we go extra miles to prove to ourselves that our sacrifice is for the right cause. And we set high bars for each other, comply to it, and let our vigor sucked off along the way.

All in claims of love.

But if this is truly all for love, why don't we get a bit of satisfaction out of it and instead, be reminded (by ourselves and the surroundings) that we are not doing enough? Alas, I have learned long ago such is the nature of all tests.

----

Few days back I learned that a classmate, a fellow first-year PhD student, is dealing with a much more severe familial situation. His father back in his home country is diagnosed with terminal cancer and has only few months left in life. I don't know how much internal struggles he has to go through everyday but this really speaks quite a lot of his will and determination to complete a PhD here. I have nothing but admiration and respect for him.

假放假

School of Engineering, UCSD

讀研究院的最大好處是老細不會站在你背後督促你做野，尤其是我這類社會科學的"院生", 返學放學時間基本自由，因為受薪的關係除了自己當TA的Office Hour要準時待在office外其餘時間身在哪根本沒人理會。針無兩頭利，太自由固然令自我約束力低的人把時間徒然，但於我等積極上進又勤奮的好學生（咳）來說也其實甚為不利。院生沒有真正放假的日子，外人常說學校的假又多又長但雖說放假其實心思都不能離開書本太遠，不是不想放縱但無意識地總怕玩樂得太過忘形便愧對自己當初選擇這科目時的熱情，再說，我認識的那些科學家，學者都總是廢寢忘食心思都放在研究上。所以我等普通人稍息，內疚感便油然而生。話須如此在放假時拿起書也只是做樣子以已過目便忘，沒有死線效率便立即陪降。到頭來假又放得唔安樂書卻讀不入腦，兩頭唔到岸。結論是假還是不要放得太長好。orz

Ivory tower

View from Cowles Mountain, San Diego

Simply put, the first quarter of grad school was hellish. The sheer amount of course material was insane, probably exceeding a year's worth of studying in college. The week before finals I was hiding out in the lab 7:30am to 9pm, trying to cram in all that was taught (and not taught) in 10 weeks while consuming only bread and coffee. Grades ended up being so-so and professors have probably already deemed me unworthy to be an economist, which I am OK with since I am only lukewarm about being an academic to begin with. Knowing my own limitation and thus, perhaps as a deflection of pride, I grew slightly detached as the quarter flew by and I met more like-minded people at school. Even though I am not especially a social person since I find most people either hypocritical or dull, nothing makes me happier than being able to connect with other individuals on a deeper and meaningful level. It was when people were around that I found myself fully transited into a new life that seems to isolate me from everything else and yet, one which I secretly enjoyed despite the mounting pressure. In this ivory tower I was shelled off from any realistic concerns, and could focus only on learning or rather, just catching up. I felt both comfortable and insecure at the same time - comfortable in that both the direction and goal was clear at this stage, and insecure in that my decision to enroll in a PhD program is a complete waste of not only my time but my professors' as well. Truth to be told, I thought of quitting pretty much every day but well, it is still early in the game to call quit and I will be cautiously hopeful now. Even though I am pretty sure that I will become really miserable by the end of the first year, I have resolute to have a first year with no regrets in San Diego.

In my face

step back from the window of your vision.

It has become clear to me that my academic journey shall take a detour or has simply hit a dead-end after two back-to-back rejections. While I am not completely dejected, there is no doubt some hard feelings and confusions in mind over the future path. Yet, the hard feeling has translated into something like a "shame-on-me" embarrassment after I hit the new national art museum today. There were few showcase of art students' graduation work on site and most of them were paintings and sculptures. I toured around all the sessions, spent less than 5 seconds at most work only to skim through the title and get a general impression of the piece. But don't get me wrong, they were amazing artwork with thought-provoking ideas. I could not imagine the effort and time that has put into them... but what I could imagine was the self-doubt that many of them have to undergo at some point before the completion of the work. Doubt whether one possesses the talent, doubt whether the dream will come true... This is an unforgiving society - they must have been, and needed to be extremely strong and determined in order to finish their degree. And how could I, who have jumped around different disciplines with no track records of commitment and clear talent, be expected to achieve greatness just because some people around said "you are smart". The silly thing is that I bought in, somehow getting myself to believe that even without a good foundation, I could catch up with the rest because "I am smart". But the sad truth is I am not even that smart to start with. These two rejections dunked on me and have done me good- I've been too lenient on myself, owning to the fortune that life has endowed on me. To elevate my game, I need to be more desperate and I owe that to myself.

Heaven and Hell

Going into ¾ of my journey in Japan, I feel like I am petted by unbelievable hospitality of Japan but at the same time, am squeezed by solitude that verges mental torture. There were few incidents that hit me particularly hard in the last month:

1. There was a class that I took this semester of which I was the only non-Japanese student but it was supposed to be taught in English. The last class was rescheduled number of times and the class location also changed. Since I mis-read the announcement, I was late to the class by 20 mins. As I was looking for the classroom, I heard the professor talking behind the door and he was lecturing in Japanese. I froze at that moment and my heart sank. Knowing that if I were to step in the professor would have to revert to English instructions, I did not push the door and instead, walked straight into the bathroom. Many thoughts blazed through but a Japanese word flowed onto my head and wouldn't leave:  "邪魔"(a bother). I was the 邪魔 to the class. Should I just go home and not be the intruder that I hated even though I really wanted to attend the lecture? Or should I interrupt in the middle and had the professor lectured in English instead? In that mere 3 minutes in the bathroom, a gust of resentment got the best of me even though I was not sure whether it was directing to Japan or myself. I asked myself what I was doing there and why did I put myself into situation like this. Finally, I decided to go home. Yet, as I was about to leave, another Japanese student who was also late was about to enter the class and spotted me, so I tagged in from behind. The professor saw me, halted less than a second and immediately changed to English. I stole a glance from the student sitting across me – he gave me a funny look and I pretended that I did not know what was that about.

A little take-away offered by the local middle school students

2. I joined the school's ski tour a week back and had a wonderful time. The school's ski club members and OB were the host of the event and man, they really took care of us. From rental ski-wear to drinking snacks, shower arrangement to party entertainment, they arranged everything and we did not even have to inch our fingers. All we needed to do was to show up and have fun. I had some good talks with the OBs over sake and in times like this, I am skilled in playing the role of a foreigner to bring out interesting talks. We also stopped by to a local middle school on our way back and had a little interaction session with the students there. They were very shy, very reluctant to speak English but were pure like a piece of white paper. A girl asked me which Japanese singer I like most and I said, "Shiina Ringo, what about you?" ,"Arashi", she replied. It got me thinking how the mainstream entertainment industry shaped the likes of young children and these idol groups should indeed carry more social responsibilities.

3. Yesterday night I had the worst experience that tainted my 1.5 year stay in Japan. Around 9pm, alone on my way home from a school event, I was about to climb the stairs to get to the overhead, then from a dark corner, a guy with a wrestling mark emerged and stood only one body apart from me. I think he was only wearing some women' underwear and he looked into my eyes while playing with his stick. His eyes seemed rather innocent and revealed that he may be in his early 30s. Not knowing how to react, I merely frowned and hurried my steps. I wanted to yell at him but I could not utter a sound at that very moment. Half way on the stairs, I looked back and he was still there, swinging his thing and seemed rather pleased with himself. Hurried further, I looked back a few times and was very relieved that he did not follow, noting things could have been much worse. It was traumatizing. I still felt a little bit frightened this morning when i got up this morning. I don't know, this kind of craziness is different from those I saw in Berkeley/SF and it was the first time I sensed real danger. I suddenly want an accompany.

変わらない物があるんだ。

倉央嘉措-『会うか会わないか』

 

私に会うか、或いは会わないか

私はそこにある。 悲も喜もない 

私を思うか、或いは思わないか 

情はそこにある 来るのも行くのもしない

　　　私を恋するか、或いは恋しないか

愛はそこにある

増えるのも減らすのもしない

抽離

 

幾星期前去了英倫數天，回到東京後驟覺豁然開朗， 一掃之前的功課壓力和不肯定將來帶來的隱隱不安。隨後的忘年會year-end party等等更是忘形，斗膽邀請我學部內幾乎最得高望重的教授唱K，年屆60的教授不但應邀表現還讓在場的學生如我自愧不如。之後接連有朋友到訪，一起飲吃遊玩當然少不了。除夕雖然和前年一樣一個人過，但新一年是以看著松本人志的搞笑賀年節目的笑聲開始，比起上一年那忐忑不安倒也樂得心境清靜。有時候我們的確需要從狹隘的現實抽離一下， 因為天空比我們所想的更闊更廣。

論論文

screen-shot of my thesis-in-progress

這陣子大部份心思都投放在論文之上 。在這裡寫些甚麼成了無意識無目的地上fb以外唯一覺得沒將時間白白浪費的抖氣點。不過，雖說是大部份心思，以我貧乏的專注力來說要我廢寢忘餐去思考去寫當然是沒可能。每當稍稍有眉目時，總要去廚房弄些甚麼然後注意力又走到明天的午，晚飯之上。好不容易才回到論文要寫些數學公式經濟邏輯時，又發現之前想到的離題了又未及周全﹣等等，我的論文題目究竟可行嗎，有意義嗎？這個assumption會不會太離譜了些？如是這般來來回回，寫了又刪改了再改ctrl+z的仲多過寫下的字，愈寫愈沒信心。教授也沒甚麼意見讓我自由發揮，只希望他不會到我入大直路時才突然跟我說我的approach錯晒。

寫論文根本是一場跟自己思路搏鬥的持久戰。一開始時像收拾混亂的房間，茫無頭緒不知從何開始。腦內的確有很多主意，但都是一些不接軌的片塊資料，要將它們嵌駁然後引伸至未有人到訪的地方需要不停的翻閱文獻，尋找自己知識的斷層然後合適的工具連接起。在這過程中你會不停質疑自己的理論，觀點 並感嘆自己所知的渺少。接著你會懷疑自己在這研究課題得出結論的合理性。當從頭審視論文發覺自己的論據是如斯不堪一擊時，便又要回到原點想新的approach。每次你的知識也從中增加，但來來回回起碼十數次。（只算論文裡的一個section)所以很多時候不是想寫便寫。更多時候是對著文獻發呆，好像領會了些甚麼但一時間又在自己的研究裡用不上。要牢牢的掌握我還差很遠。

sigh.抖夠氣了。回數字星球去。

THE mountain & me

A little bit less than two months ago, I put my name down for the Mt Fuji climbing trip after realizing the relationship was falling apart and it would be unlikely for me to be in Nana at this time. So my prescient feeling was right and i, alone, went to Mt Fuji with the other 49 (mostly) international students. Quoting from a tourist i overheard on the peak, there was not quite any mountain in the world like Fujisan which signifies so much to the nation. In short, it is the symbol and the national pride of Japan. The night before I was a little bit worried because I almost fainted in an outdoor concert couple days ago due to the heat and at times, I tend to overestimate my physical fitness. so prior to the trip, I was just praying that I would not suffer from altitude sickness because then I would not be able to check off "Climbed Mt Fuji" from my bucket list. From far, the mountain looks benevolent but it would be a huge mistake to say it was a easy trail. In fact, it was quite a physical challenge but well, the good and bad thing about climbing Mt Fuji is that it is so crowded and people literally have to wait in line to hike up, so those waiting time is actually a good time to rest and there was no pressure to catch up with your peers since people are just going up slowly. And the climb actually becomes fun once you pass through the initial slopes and you got to start using your hands to push your body up. I like that because it requires more body coordination instead of just your thigh and feet. During the hike/climb, I kept thinking back at the time me and K2 were at this mountain at Winters and I got so upset because of the endless stairs up. Then I related what would have been like if K2 was there, and whether I would be able to walk with him shoulder-to-shoulder.

It took us about 4.5 hours to reach ９合目 and by then, my thighs were hurting and my stomach was flat. The first batch of our group (including me) checked into the lodge (the highest one on Mt Fuji) at around 6:30 and a bento was served right after. Nothing fancy and I suspected that they used beef for the hamburger platter but it was not the kind of occasion that I could ask for a substitute. After the meal we were immediately led to the sleeping area which is so small that i can't even turn around without waking the person next to me. Interesting still, the bedding space was not separated by genders so I was sleeping next to a male groupmate. It was a little bit after 7pm when we were asked to go to bed and naturally, none of us could really fall sleep despite a rather long day and knowing that we had to wake up at 2am the next day to catch the sun rise. There was no shower and we were not even allowed to brush our teeth since toothpaste is prohibited so I was quite disgusted by myself.

At something around 1:30am, people are already starting to get changed and I, still exhausted, followed the suit of the others quickly put on my skiing jacket. (too tired and my nose is bleeding (why?)... to be continued tomorrow, hopefully I won't forget the details and my emotional status)

 Continuing from last night...It was still completely dark outside when we were about to took off at around 2:30am. Most people have equipped with some lighting device while I was not prepared at all. So I felt quite uneasy climbing in complete darkness, fearing that any misstep would kill myself. The mist did not help either as the rocky trails got quite slippery in midnight. Following as closely as the person in front of me as possible, I held my head down the whole time and just wished that we reached the top already. The memories of K2 kept coming back to me on the way as I imagined maybe 20 years ago, you walked on the same path to the top and I was just replicating your experience. The fact that I have not let go of him yet bothered me a lot but all I can do now is to comfort myself that at least I had invested in real feelings and it was never easy for me to fall for someone. So to have this mere experience was worthwhile.  Anyhow, at around 3:30am, we finally made it to the tori of the peak!!　やった!!! we all congratulated each other, high-fiveing and taking pictures. 


We were told that the sunrise would happen at around 5:20am so we were just hanging around before then. It was very foggy and extremely cold at the peak so when the stores opened, all the climbers flooded in to get some warm air. They served some hot food like curry rice and ramen, but I did not want to spend a fortune on midnight snacks. So I was just chatting with a friend that I met on the trip and we were just talking about the culture difference between the States and Japan. My broken Japanese has helped to facilitate a pretty interesting conversation so time passed quickly. At around 5am, we stepped outside to the cold and were waiting the sun to come out. Shivering, we hid our face behind the jackets and stared at the watch. It was getting bright but the sun never appeared. We then finally realized the fog was too thick on that morning and we would not be able to see the sunrise. At 6am, the group gathered again we started heading back to the lodge. I guess, precisely because we did not see the sunrise this time, it has given us a reason for me to come back in the future. It is inevitable that we run into some regrets in life and things are not always within our control. As we walked down, the mist disappeared suddenly and we saw that the sun was already high above a sea of clouds. It was only a few seconds before the mist came back again but that very moment was worth all the sweats and pain. After that, the mist was on and off and I was just in awe with the postcard-like view from the top. The very view has captured and boasted our imaginations and I was just grateful being able to witness this natural wonder.

The walk down proved as mentally teasing as the way up though it was probably more physically daunting. My running shoes were not very good protective gears and at around ８合目, my toes started cramping and it was all pain thereafter. The bottom was in our sight but it seemed like we would never get there. My phone vibrated at one point along the way down and at that point, I surprised myself again by how much I wished it was K2. As I saw no missed call so I guess it was really just the alarm clock. My emotional state just sank along with my altitude. なさけない...At around 11am, we made it back to the coaching bus and I just glued to my seat, not wanting to even inch my finger. The driver drove us to a nearby public path/onsen and I let loose myself in the steamy water. After two days of intense physical activities, that was the best healing treatment you could get. The lunch bento, despite visually pleasing, was less than delicious though.

This concluded my two-day trip.

About Curry

I have considered curry as a nice addition, instead of a necessity to my diet since the unstable adolescence period. Curry spices up my otherwise dull food consumption but too much spices hinder my taste buds from making out the true flavor of food. Portion of curry is also important. Ideally, there is just enough of curry to go with the rice -  too much curry sauce will inundate the leftover rice, leaving them soggy and unrecognizable.

I've tried different kinds of curry and was pretty sure over what kind of curry would best fit into my diet - the kind that blends in with and even makes better the taste of the other ingredients, and never shall it overshadow the savor of the other components. A difficult requirement, I reckoned. And since I was perfectly content with the other food choices, I have not had curry since the underwhelming choice a few years ago. Then, towards the end of last year, I came across with an amazing type of curry that I thought would be a perfect fit to my brown rice and had become quite addicted. It comes with a unique aroma and yet, unyielding in its signature flavor and at the same time highly sensitive towards the ingredients around. It has come to occupy a large part of my diet though sometimes the spices was too strong and has brought tears to my eyes. It also takes time to discover what goes best with this curry and to this point admittedly, I am still in a state of confusion after some recurring but unsuccessful attempts in incorporating it fully into my diet. My cooking skills isn't great to start with and the uniqueness of the curry was perhaps out of my reach. My frustration mounted even though I honestly thought my stomach was not that hard to please. But my parents probably know better - I have a limited capacity for spicy food in general.

The acquaintance proved short-lived. It was never my intention to part ways with something that I liked and still like so much, especially without exhausting the recipe choices. I did not give up but when a curry turns cold, there is nothing further one can do.