離開。

爺爺嫲嫲的健康狀況每況愈下也不是這一兩年的事。從以往自己上街市買餸買報紙到只能到樓下公園乘涼，再到後期點每天待在家裡沒有人在身旁都不踏出家門，至這近半年連自理應力也喪失，歲月的痕跡在他們的身軀上愈劃愈深，看在眼聽在耳除了是無力痛心外只有不知所措。雖說衰老的過程就像是逐步回到嬰兒時期，但歲月拿走的不只是青春麼更將他們生活的樂趣以至尊嚴逐一撕掉。

我從來只認識爺爺嫲嫲高高在上的一面，尢其是嫲嫲雖不懂寫字讀書但言行間總有一種豪邁氣度，家裡的人已至爺爺都對她尊重有加。反之爺爺總是安靜的坐在一旁，只會間中在大顆兒的談話內加插一兩句。在電話裡他也是一句起兩句止，總是將電話交回給嫲嫲推說自己不懂說話。爺爺走前三個星期，在療養院內的他骨瘦如柴，凹陷的雙頰讓我也差點認不了他。雙目的神彩早已點滴不剩， 瘦小的身軀被綁在輪椅上，神智大多時都很糢糊。我探望他的那天他好像認得我， 縱然他已忘掉怎樣說廣東話，他伸手輕輕捉緊我手，手冷冷的，但在我記憶裡這還是我懂事以來頭一次，我也緊緊的握著他的手回應著，嘗試告訴他我回來了。

想到老人家，歉疚就一直纏擾著我們在外地生活的子孫，回到香港也沒法讓心情放輕不能釋然。我不是容易跟別人親近的人，爺爺嫲嫲大概也跟我一樣吧。其實心裡拼命想打開話匣子，傳達心中的關愛，但每每流於坐在電視機前，讓無聊劇集的聲浪淹蓋我們不自然的沉默。沉默讓空氣變得沉重，坐在同一梳化上咫尺卻天涯，人生最遠的距離大概如此。他們都懂嗎？我說不出口的關心。



 爺爺，再會了，您不用牽掛，我們都會好好過生活。在另一個空間裡，我會再牽牽您的手。

Love test

In discord with its surrounding. Kowloon City, Hong Kong

Last Saturday I hopped on the plane, knowing that I'd miss 3 upcoming midterm exams but was oblivious that a bigger test awaited in Hong Kong.

It shakes me everytime I return to Hong Kong. This time the visit was brief and unplanned for and yet, the shock was much more fundamental than my previous visits. In a span of 4 days, the fear and sadness that a family member might part was displaced by a sort of mental exhaustion. I love my family dearly but it hurts me that we are measured against each other on the depth of our love every second. And it haunts me that love, when pressurized, is distorted and manifested in the form of self-righteous acts. I never for a second doubt our hearts and our love, but why in times like this do we turn into some big brother agents: watching each other as if we are waiting for an opportunity to turn others into the Villian. We worry that we are being outdone, that our love is ingeniune, muddled by wrongs committed and favors received in the past so we go extra miles to prove to ourselves that our sacrifice is for the right cause. And we set high bars for each other, comply to it, and let our vigor sucked off along the way.

All in claims of love.

But if this is truly all for love, why don't we get a bit of satisfaction out of it and instead, be reminded (by ourselves and the surroundings) that we are not doing enough? Alas, I have learned long ago such is the nature of all tests.

----

Few days back I learned that a classmate, a fellow first-year PhD student, is dealing with a much more severe familial situation. His father back in his home country is diagnosed with terminal cancer and has only few months left in life. I don't know how much internal struggles he has to go through everyday but this really speaks quite a lot of his will and determination to complete a PhD here. I have nothing but admiration and respect for him.

假放假

School of Engineering, UCSD

讀研究院的最大好處是老細不會站在你背後督促你做野，尤其是我這類社會科學的"院生", 返學放學時間基本自由，因為受薪的關係除了自己當TA的Office Hour要準時待在office外其餘時間身在哪根本沒人理會。針無兩頭利，太自由固然令自我約束力低的人把時間徒然，但於我等積極上進又勤奮的好學生（咳）來說也其實甚為不利。院生沒有真正放假的日子，外人常說學校的假又多又長但雖說放假其實心思都不能離開書本太遠，不是不想放縱但無意識地總怕玩樂得太過忘形便愧對自己當初選擇這科目時的熱情，再說，我認識的那些科學家，學者都總是廢寢忘食心思都放在研究上。所以我等普通人稍息，內疚感便油然而生。話須如此在放假時拿起書也只是做樣子以已過目便忘，沒有死線效率便立即陪降。到頭來假又放得唔安樂書卻讀不入腦，兩頭唔到岸。結論是假還是不要放得太長好。orz

Ivory tower

View from Cowles Mountain, San Diego

Simply put, the first quarter of grad school was hellish. The sheer amount of course material was insane, probably exceeding a year's worth of studying in college. The week before finals I was hiding out in the lab 7:30am to 9pm, trying to cram in all that was taught (and not taught) in 10 weeks while consuming only bread and coffee. Grades ended up being so-so and professors have probably already deemed me unworthy to be an economist, which I am OK with since I am only lukewarm about being an academic to begin with. Knowing my own limitation and thus, perhaps as a deflection of pride, I grew slightly detached as the quarter flew by and I met more like-minded people at school. Even though I am not especially a social person since I find most people either hypocritical or dull, nothing makes me happier than being able to connect with other individuals on a deeper and meaningful level. It was when people were around that I found myself fully transited into a new life that seems to isolate me from everything else and yet, one which I secretly enjoyed despite the mounting pressure. In this ivory tower I was shelled off from any realistic concerns, and could focus only on learning or rather, just catching up. I felt both comfortable and insecure at the same time - comfortable in that both the direction and goal was clear at this stage, and insecure in that my decision to enroll in a PhD program is a complete waste of not only my time but my professors' as well. Truth to be told, I thought of quitting pretty much every day but well, it is still early in the game to call quit and I will be cautiously hopeful now. Even though I am pretty sure that I will become really miserable by the end of the first year, I have resolute to have a first year with no regrets in San Diego.