PhD Episode 1: the enthusiastic and naive newbie

the goal that seemed so far away

It was not that long ago — 4 years and 9 months to be exact — when I was an enthusiastic grad student, full of research ideas and ready to dive into the immensity of economics to seek for the “truth” in this world. I was so baffled by the politics and economy of Hong Kong at that time, and I hoped that economics, through its logical reasoning and rigorous mathematical deviation, could help me arrive at some fundamental relationship in understanding factors leading to a just society. From a career perspective, working as a researcher also seemed like a noble pursuit, free from the politics and struggle in a corporate that I dreaded.

The reality check came fast and hard though. I failed my first attempt at quals, the first hurdle to overcome in order to move on in the PhD program. You can attempt the quals 3 times and if you fail all 3 times, you are out. Quals are, however, offered only two times a year — once before and once after the summer — that means, if you fail them 2 times, you have to wait another year before taking them again, effectively delaying your graduation by wasting a year on quals rather than on research. The pressure to pass in the second attempt was thus enormous. It was no exaggeration that the summer after my 1st year was the most miserable 3 months in my life as i spent everyday reviewing the material that seemed so distant from what I remotely cared about.

Spending every day reviewing past qual questions was demoralizing. So I tried to help myself to not feel that all time was wasted by developing some research ideas. I wrote down something that in retrospect did not make any sense but at the time felt like a brilliant idea, and sent it to a renowned professor in the field asking for comments. He wrote back:

“ You think that you have an idea that you wish to develop. I am delighted and want to encourage you to pursue the idea. It could be that the trouble that I have understanding what you have written is entirely due to my own limitations. You should talk to others to see if they are better able to follow you. I think that it is likely that others will also have difficulty with your formulation. If so, then it would be worthwhile to “get better socialized” by looking at how authors motivate their research and formulate research questions.”

My face was burning. I could not even force myself to read on after the first sentence. I just embarrassed myself in front of the leading authority of the field. Quite literally, I just wanted to find a cave and hide. Do I still have a future? Should I just quit the program now? I still remember vividly the few days that I laid down on the sofa, listless, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing but quitting.

I was quite beaten up at that point, and decided to leave the program if I failed again the second time, and would not attempt for the third time no matter what. But well, I managed to pass at the end of the summer.

“Guess i would stay on, ”

To celebrate the milestone, I got some ink on my skin. It was a feather, a symbol of putting it down.

Sumedh

He took his life last week, apparently on his birthday. A week after the summer fellowship ended. None of us knew why.

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My first impression of Sumedh was one of intimation. In a training session during the first week of the fellowship, I, Sumedh, and another fellow were in the same group trying to work out a problem. At one point the team was stuck, and I was struggling to follow the discussion he was having with another teammate. I could tell his command of the subject was way beyond me. He said that there was something wrong with the solution that was given, and waited to talk to the presenter afterward trying to figure out why the solution was the way it was. His insistence made me feel uneasy but the genuineness was undeniable. I was ashamed of myself.

We spent a whole day together with 2 other DSSGer on the scavenger hunt. He had a great laugh when I told him the joke about the revolving door, of which I stole from Lin. It was the kind of laughter that put you at ease. I went on telling him about my research, and he was genuinely interested — not like the “oh it sounds really interesting” type of response I typically get from talking about my own research. He listened carefully and asked thoughtful questions. I was touched.

In another gathering in unit 426 early in the summer, a couple of us stayed late and just chatted about random topics: Donald Trump, giraffes, number theory …etc. He was the life of the discussion. And then at one point, he halted and asked the group: “Can I tell you guys my favorite theorem by Terrance Tao?” sounding like a fan talking about his idol. He then went on describing with clarity a seemingly simple mathematical statement. I was very impressed.

Towards the end of the summer, Sumedh hosted a party at their unit. I arrived late and walked in alone. I grabbed a beer and stood alone awkwardly, not sure whom I should strike a conversation with. Probably noticing my uneasiness, he walked towards me and started telling me how he loved my sweater and we exchanged a few words. I was grateful.

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I will raise a glass for you tonight. You have been an inspiration.

the best team

In the last party of the summer,  I had a brief chat with Rayid. He said that we were similar to last year's cohort individually but had different collective identity as teams. I thought that was an interesting comment as it highlights how even when everyone is chill and reasonable, there could still be strange team dynamics.

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Teamwork can be tricky, and our team certainly had our share of drama this summer.

I was excited when I received the team assignment in the second week: H is the youngest on the team and also my roommate. She is always the life of the party and can make you feel like you are the most important person in the world when you talk to her. Y, whom I spoke to almost the entire time during the rooftop party in the first week, has done very interesting things in life. She was confident, direct and we hit it off immediately. R joined in the 3rd week. I was nevertheless impressed by his profile (wrote a machine learning textbook?! come on now. ). I was sure that our team was the best team.  The Milwaukee project also ranked the highest on my preference list in terms of the issue I care about. Everything seemed perfect.

We had some initial success as a team, scoring high matching rate between the two datasets that were given to us. The ultimate goal of our partner is to set up a data platform where different public agencies can come together and share information. Being able to match individuals across was therefore crucial. Things became slightly more difficult when it was time to build a pipeline. No one has undertaken a software engineering-task before so naturally it was difficult to muddle through. Knowing that machine learning is not my expertise, I was hoping to sit back and let others do most of the talking and decision-making in meetings. But the plan was only half-fulfilled. I still let others to do most of the talking, only raising voice to ask dumb questions when I was lost.  But it came a point when I realized everyone has equal responsibility and I pushed through a suggestion which I was proud.

The real test came in August. Bugs were found. Our pipeline was not working the way it should. Pressure was piling. The air in the team suddenly felt dead, and it was visible to everyone that there was something wrong. I suddenly found myself needing to speak more which is not my strong-suit: responding to the partner in phone meeting, speaking to our manager about the team dynamics, checking in with everyone on their progress. It was a stressful week.

The air was cleared the next week but the pressure kept on mounting.  With an approaching deadline and no actual deliverable planned, I became more frustrated, and was led astray to think that I was the only one who cared. I was upset at everyone. But the frustration dissipated in the night before our deep-dive presentation, when we all stayed late in the office to get everything ready while eating ice-cream. Yes, dessert definitely helps fight negative feelings but more importantly, I felt that we were in this together. We pulled it off, I mused after we finished the presentation next day.

It was not always easy, but in the end, I am very very proud of team Milwaukee. And I still think we have the best team.

These people were a social good for me

I am coming back to this half-abandoned blog to write about this past summer. The summer spent with DSSG has exceeded all my expectations by a large margin. Chicago was amazing, but it was the people whom made this experience truly special. I met people who have different outlooks on life, yet share similar passion and drive as mine. I met people who are years younger than me, but exhibit maturity way beyond their age. I met people who are brilliant in what they do, and yet so willing to teach and share their knowledge. I also met people who ease between different identities, programming in the day and making music in the night.

I reckon it is difficult to make new friends - friends whom you can call up and talk about your sadness, and friends whom you would travel miles to visit - at a ripe age of 31; It takes a lot of effort to impress another person, then to find common ground. From there, it is an another hurdle to overcome if you want to connect on a deeper level.  Yet I have found friends in the last 3 months. And I recall vividly the exact moments when I realized that some of these people will stick around in my life beyond the summer:

1. unDSSG was a day when stations were set up across the office and all DSSGers have to teach others something unrelated to DSSG in their own booth. I taught people how to make sushi in the morning, and the day ended with copious amount of alcohol consumption like many other events in the summer. So I was finishing up my drink near the ping pong table, and then I realized the beers might soon be out. I texted Y, my teammate, and asked her  to save me a beer in the kitchen. I then went on playing ping pong. A few moments later, Y brought me a cider and then she went about doing her own thing. I texted her again, and protested that a cider is not the same as a beer. Another few moments later,  somebody put an arm around my shoulder from behind when I was completely unaware and jokingly said "are you complaining??" in my ears. It was Y, of course. I said, "How dare I?". There we were, head to head, laughing. I knew I found a friend.

2. It would be impossible talk about Y without K. K is always bubbly, and she has a remarkable ability to strike conversations and make friends with strangers.  The "connected" moment between us didn't come until much later in the summer, though. It was the last week of the fellowship. 6pm-ish.  I was walking out of the office planning to go back to dorm to cook some food and get ready before going to see the movie "Sausage Party" while K was sitting on the couch alone, still working on the technical plan. It was rare to see K without Y. I stopped and was about to exchange a few words. K somehow convinced me to change my plan (as she always did) to go grab drinks with her. We ended up at the bar area in Girl and the Goat, sipping cocktails. We talked about what girls talk about. At one point, she decided that she would illustrate to me what she was talking about with a hand gesture. I was bewildered, looked around the bar table to check if anyone was looking at us, and immediately trying to stop her. We looked at each others and laughed hysterically, and that sealed the deal.

3. E is a hipster. Everything E does spells 'cool'.  I knew early on I wanted to be friends with E. But being a hopeless introvert, I didn't actively pursue the friendship. One weekend in the summer, I planned to go hiking and invited a few people to come along; only E came in the end. So the two of us spent a few hours in the car, and in the woods, just talking about music, start-ups, random topics on education and culture. We also shared our traveling horror stories, which turned out to be quite funny in retrospect. It struck me how much similarities we shared (though I am not as cool) and somehow, I was sure that our paths would cross again. 

4.  426 is a unit number at the University Center. The single ladies in 426 came from different countries, and have very different personalities but their singlesness unite them. One day in the early summer a movie night was planned, and it was then decided that the 3 ladies living in 426 shall be collectively referred as the "single ladies".  The movie was "the Danish Girl" and it was the perfect choice. For the next few days, the morning greetings in 426 went like this: "Am I pretty enough?", "Of course you are"  "But I’ll never be as pretty as you."  Single lady L subsequently started a tumblr account called "singleladieswatchingthings", recording the pathetic lives of the ladies over the summer. New member was admitted later in the summer and it has aroused some jealousy of the old members due to his prettiness, but it was an invaluable addition regardless.