There are friends who make you feel like you never leave. And there are acquaintances who left you surprised on how two worlds can be so different.

we all need to play the game, but I am uncomfortable with people who play it too well

PB

More than 2 months have gone by since the breakup. From the initial reluctance to part, to a slim sense of relief, and to now, an insurmountable emptiness and a lingering poignancy, a part of me is still hurting.  But perhaps because of that, I found myself closer to my heart than to my head. I worried too much that my head dominates my action and that I commit to a relationship because my head tells me that it is the logical thing to do. I guess the worry stemmed from my fear that he matched too well with the image of a "perfect boyfriend" in my head - an "overjustification" effect as economists would call. Was I trying too hard? Was I not trying enough? I mused all the time. But at this very moment I know that it was not my head that was in the relationship with J - my heart was. It was a relief to learn that, though it doesn't matter now.

I spent a lot of money the last month to redirect my attention to myself. Couple thousands on invisalign, hundreds on make up and skin care. They say money doesn't buy happiness but I did feel better - i looked myself into the mirror and told myself that ”私なら大丈夫”. I also realized how much I want to be closer to family and friends, and more and more I want to move back to the bay area. It would have been silly to give up the control of my life to academia.

He is different though. He is still climbing the ladders, and wants to see the view from up there. I believe he will find his place in this world soon.

At 30 years old, I face the same social pressure to get married as many people do in my age group. But I know that I am also responsible for my own happiness. These days I am starting to form images of a future in which I would live in a small house with tasteful furniture, accompanied by a dog. I would do research, brew my own coffee and read in the home office, and invite friends over for dinner in the weekends. In long holidays, I would go traveling - maybe visit Japan once in a while - and explore the world while I can still walk and run. Nothing extravagant, just a simple life.

年度漢字

今年，一整年也在迷惘中度過。年初至九月一直為博士課程的資格試狂塞知識入腦，假期不用說每天的生活除了上堂讀書食飯睡覺外，好像甚麼也沒有做過，哪裡也沒有去過，整個人緊繃繃驟然失去了不少對生活的敏銳和熱情。

迷惘，是因為意識到能力的極限 ﹣從前考試當食生菜，盡了力沒有不拿A的可能。好像口氣很大但實情就是如是，肯花時間唔識讀到識試題盡在掌握之中又怎會有不懂的可能。但在這一年間我意識到讀書真的需要開竅，不能再像以往般一股蠻勁將坐在書桌前磨爛蓆，只求將短暫入腦的知識最大化卻不知怎樣connect the dots，將不同範疇的知識拼湊在一起。如是這成績不理想也無可口非。迷惘，更是因為源於對自己所選道路的懷疑。「我在向前走嗎？」，「堅持下去能找到屬於自己的平安嗎？」這樣的問題一直絮繞，尢其是炒了六月份的第一次考試後，固中的失落茫然不足為外人道，但，感謝爸爸媽媽的體諒從不予我更多的壓力，更著我好好照顧自己。過去的這一個夏天是難挨的，外面溫度相宜，沙灘就在咫尺但我每天像被軟禁般留在家中溫習，至九月初壓力已近爆煲，時不時淚眼縺縺。幸而通過了九月的補考，否則我現在大概已在其他地方工作吧。

九月後開關，見多了人。我不是那些很善於交際的人，相識雖然真的滿天下，但交心的朋友5只手指數晒。這段期間可幸地認識了一些可以談得投契的朋友，但其後不知就裡的有幾個關係出了亂子，弄得很奇怪。我也迷惘了好一陣子，究竟是我出了甚麼問題還是錯不在我，今後又應如何自持。自已一個去完Arizona後發覺想多也沒用，有些事時間人物地點缺一不可。往後真誠自重，不扭拎的對待別人就好了。

老套的以新年的寄願作完結﹣讀到韓國的大學教授選出了「轉迷開悟」為2014年的新年成語。我覺得很有意思，套用於自己身上也很合適。就而轉迷開悟作契，期望新一年撥開迷霧，悟出些少生活的智慧。