Randy

This cannot possibly be the end. At this age, I don't have that many friends left, nor do I make many new friends. And I thought even long after we both finish at Mission Lane, we would still hang out regularly and visit each other. There are still so many more conversations I want to have with you. So many cocktails we still have to share. I refuse to believe that you took your life. You once told me you are an optimistic person. Optimistic people just don’t do this, right? This must have been an accident, and you didn’t mean it. And you are a jokester  - is this all a practical joke that you played on us? If you don’t want to work with us anymore, just tell us… You don't have to disappear.

You were kind, brilliant, humble, witty, and charming. You found lightness in the most serious situations; you diffused tension in heated arguments, and you solved the most gnarly technical problem. You were the voice of reason and the glue of the team, and you were the reason that I found myself at home in Mission Lane. You saw something in me that I didn't know I had. And you always told me that I was too hard on myself when I agonized over a less than stellar presentation. How could it be that the first time I met you in person was also the last time? How is it fair that you lose someone just when you thought you found a kindred spirit?

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When I was working on the Cicada project, I was stuck on the problem risk group construction. You came up with a coding solution that to this date still blows my mind. I felt so proud to call you my teammate.

And then there were all the Slack conversations that I couldn't help but chuckle at every time I think about it:

Do you remember the back-and-forth we had on Slack regarding the naming of the hardcut approval model? Do you remember the thread about ketchup? What about the time when we had a long-winded discussion on how to encourage DM applicants to not apply via CK?

Would the hours long conversations we had during onsite be something that you cherish when you look back? Those are the conversations that inspired and energized me. I was able to have a glance at the fear, your childhood and family behind the brilliant mind. They were dear to my heart and I would never imagine being able to carry a conversation like this in a work setting. And do you remember the moment when you tried to get me to look away just so you could steal a fry from my plate? That childishness, that smile. 

Do you know? I said I didn't like to be called a "bro" but I was secretly happen when you called me your "bro". Because we are tight. We are buddies.

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Did you secretly want to ask for help? Or have you asked for help, and I missed all the signs? You acted too normal, too functional - to a point that I wondered how could a person dealing with ending a 12-year relationship be so calm. Perhaps I should have pressed more. Perhaps I should have asked more questions. There are only regrets and sorrow now.

I am deeply thankful for 2.5 years of mentorship, friendship, support, trust, and most importantly, laughters. 

I just so badly wish for more. 

I don’t know if the hole you left behind would ever be filled again. But I hope you found peace. I miss you soooo dearly Randy.

民主不是少數服從多數

區選民主派大勝，感動之餘亦在反思究竟我們所追求的真。民主是甚麼 - 選舉從來都只是民主制度裡的其中一環，它不能確保公義能夠彰顯，只能夠將最受歡迎的政客和政黨推上權力位置-正如1932年的德國納粹也是勝出選舉後奪取了政權一樣。民主其實應該不是少數服從多數，如果這是民主的真粹的話，很多在社會上的小眾的權利也不能被充份保護。這些權利 - 例如說LGBT 的平等婚姻權利 - 可能社會上大多數的人根本亳不關心，但卻大大的影響著這些小眾的生活。

係Posner同Weyl本書Radical Markets裡題到這就是美國立國時面對的問題。因為選舉可以將權力予於如Hitler般極端但有魅力的政客 ，少數族羣的權利可以容易地被消滅。而每一個人也有成為Minority的時候，當Minority的權利受到衝擊時他們便會反抗政權成為社會不安定的因數。 所以在立國之初 政府內設置了很多權力互相制衡的措施已防止多數制被濫用。三權制衡就是其中的一環。其他的制衡措施包括需要國會兩院SuperMajority去收改憲法。

但隨著社會進步，當時未被法律保護的弱勢社群也因為這些check and balance的關係，令到很多法案都不能容易通過保守的國會。所以在美國的平權運動裡，法院和法官其實起了重要的角色。但很多時候這都太過依賴於法官的同理心所以到現在為止我覺得美國的制度其實還是一個Work-in-progress, 但我認為民主裡其實最起瑪的原素-尊重少數人的權利-在這制度裡還是得到應同的。

PhD Episode 1: the enthusiastic and naive newbie

the goal that seemed so far away

It was not that long ago — 4 years and 9 months to be exact — when I was an enthusiastic grad student, full of research ideas and ready to dive into the immensity of economics to seek for the “truth” in this world. I was so baffled by the politics and economy of Hong Kong at that time, and I hoped that economics, through its logical reasoning and rigorous mathematical deviation, could help me arrive at some fundamental relationship in understanding factors leading to a just society. From a career perspective, working as a researcher also seemed like a noble pursuit, free from the politics and struggle in a corporate that I dreaded.

The reality check came fast and hard though. I failed my first attempt at quals, the first hurdle to overcome in order to move on in the PhD program. You can attempt the quals 3 times and if you fail all 3 times, you are out. Quals are, however, offered only two times a year — once before and once after the summer — that means, if you fail them 2 times, you have to wait another year before taking them again, effectively delaying your graduation by wasting a year on quals rather than on research. The pressure to pass in the second attempt was thus enormous. It was no exaggeration that the summer after my 1st year was the most miserable 3 months in my life as i spent everyday reviewing the material that seemed so distant from what I remotely cared about.

Spending every day reviewing past qual questions was demoralizing. So I tried to help myself to not feel that all time was wasted by developing some research ideas. I wrote down something that in retrospect did not make any sense but at the time felt like a brilliant idea, and sent it to a renowned professor in the field asking for comments. He wrote back:

“ You think that you have an idea that you wish to develop. I am delighted and want to encourage you to pursue the idea. It could be that the trouble that I have understanding what you have written is entirely due to my own limitations. You should talk to others to see if they are better able to follow you. I think that it is likely that others will also have difficulty with your formulation. If so, then it would be worthwhile to “get better socialized” by looking at how authors motivate their research and formulate research questions.”

My face was burning. I could not even force myself to read on after the first sentence. I just embarrassed myself in front of the leading authority of the field. Quite literally, I just wanted to find a cave and hide. Do I still have a future? Should I just quit the program now? I still remember vividly the few days that I laid down on the sofa, listless, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing but quitting.

I was quite beaten up at that point, and decided to leave the program if I failed again the second time, and would not attempt for the third time no matter what. But well, I managed to pass at the end of the summer.

“Guess i would stay on, ”

To celebrate the milestone, I got some ink on my skin. It was a feather, a symbol of putting it down.

Sumedh

He took his life last week, apparently on his birthday. A week after the summer fellowship ended. None of us knew why.

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My first impression of Sumedh was one of intimation. In a training session during the first week of the fellowship, I, Sumedh, and another fellow were in the same group trying to work out a problem. At one point the team was stuck, and I was struggling to follow the discussion he was having with another teammate. I could tell his command of the subject was way beyond me. He said that there was something wrong with the solution that was given, and waited to talk to the presenter afterward trying to figure out why the solution was the way it was. His insistence made me feel uneasy but the genuineness was undeniable. I was ashamed of myself.

We spent a whole day together with 2 other DSSGer on the scavenger hunt. He had a great laugh when I told him the joke about the revolving door, of which I stole from Lin. It was the kind of laughter that put you at ease. I went on telling him about my research, and he was genuinely interested — not like the “oh it sounds really interesting” type of response I typically get from talking about my own research. He listened carefully and asked thoughtful questions. I was touched.

In another gathering in unit 426 early in the summer, a couple of us stayed late and just chatted about random topics: Donald Trump, giraffes, number theory …etc. He was the life of the discussion. And then at one point, he halted and asked the group: “Can I tell you guys my favorite theorem by Terrance Tao?” sounding like a fan talking about his idol. He then went on describing with clarity a seemingly simple mathematical statement. I was very impressed.

Towards the end of the summer, Sumedh hosted a party at their unit. I arrived late and walked in alone. I grabbed a beer and stood alone awkwardly, not sure whom I should strike a conversation with. Probably noticing my uneasiness, he walked towards me and started telling me how he loved my sweater and we exchanged a few words. I was grateful.

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I will raise a glass for you tonight. You have been an inspiration.